Georgia Rain
by MadameCissy
Summary: One of Olivia's old cases lead her and Amanda to Georgia. Amanda is confronted by a lot of her old memories and being away from home changes the relationship between them. But once back in New York all that remains is the harsh truth about what can't be denied. They need to make a decision but nobody ever said that choosing between head and heart was going to be easy. [Rolivia]
1. Chapter 1

**Summary:** One of Olivia's old cases lead her and Amanda to Georgia. Amanda is confronted by a lot of her old memories and being away from home changes the relationship between them. But once back in New York all that remains is the harsh truth about what can't be denied. They need to make a decision but nobody ever said that choosing between head and heart was going to be easy.

**Pairing:** Olivia Benson/Amanda Rollins (although there will be some mentions of Benson/Cassidy in the beginning)

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** I do not own L&O: SVU or any of its affiliated characters.

**Note:** I didn't think I would write another Rolivia story after the "Heart" series. But since watching season 15 I just feel the need to write something for these two. I am not too keen on how the show is ramming the whole Cassidy thing down our throats but I know a lot of people enjoy the whole happy happy joy joy thing. To me it doesn't suit the nature of the show so I save my romance for fan fiction. Also, a lot of people have asked what happened to my last Rolivia story, "Heart of Gold." It will not be coming back online due to personal circumstances. I hope ya'll enjoy "Georgia Rain." And yes, the title was inspired by the Trisha Yearwood song.

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**Chapter 1**

The streets of New York City were both heaven and hell; a place for saints as well as sinners. In the shadows lurked evil but evil was fought by good. The Big Apple was the place where people came to chase their dreams. Some saw them come true whilst others watched them shatter. This city was full of people who had fled from their pasts, desperately seeking a new future under the neon lights of Times Square. Some had lived here all their lives, surrounded by their demons and their friends. They had found a balance between the past, the present and the future and to those people New York really was home.

Olivia Benson was one of those people. She had lived in New York her entire life. Never once did she consider moving somewhere else. She couldn't imagine ever leaving this place. This was home, with all its nasty reminders and glimmers of hope. This was where she belonged, where she lived and where she worked. Olivia lived for her work. She loved what she did. She couldn't imagine being anything but a detective with the Special Victims Unit.

In her job she saw the depravity of mankind on a daily basis but somehow she also saw the goodness and kindness in people. Beyond the sickness and perverse behaviours she also saw how people learnt to thrive after the worst moment of their lives. She saw victims become survivors and it was that transformations that made Olivia put her heart and soul into her work. Over the years she had watched women, children and men struggle through the darkness before seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and making it out at the other end. She herself had been through that dark tunnel many times and it seemed that she had finally found her light too.

It was a little after two o'clock on a Sunday morning when Olivia walked into the ER of Bellevue Hospital in Manhattan whilst still clutching her cell phone. The call had come in only half an hour earlier. Dispatch had received a report of a rape and the victim had been transported to the ER. That was all Olivia knew but she also knew to expect the worst every time she walked into a hospital. It was in these situations that she often found people when they were at their most fragile. She has seen how one event could break a person's whole life and over the years she had become far more than a quiet onlooker or bystander; she had become involved and she would do anything in her power to fix what had been damaged.

The waiting room was only half full. A few of the people occupying the seats looked like homeless people seeking the shelter and warmth of the ER, avoiding the blistering cold of the New York winter. Now that they were only six weeks from Christmas, the weather had really changed. The nights had gotten colder and the days felt shorter. Thanksgiving was out of the way and shops all around the city had started to put up their Christmas decorations. Olivia did a double take at the sight of the unfortunate men and women trapped in this miserable situation before approaching the desk and flashing her badge.

"Hi, I'm Detective Olivia Benson and I'm with the Special Victims Unit. I received a call about a possible rape victim?"

The nurse behind the desk flashed a sad smile before rummaging through a stash of paperwork.

"Liv?"

Olivia turned around at the sound of a woman's voice calling her name and watched how the person behind her pulled a grey beanie hat off her head and revealed shoulder length blonde hair. Inquisitive blue eyes searched the detectives face.

"Rollins?" Olivia questioned in surprise. "What are you doing here? I thought me and Nick were on call this weekend?"

"Nick's on vacation, remember?" Amanda Rollins answered as she approached the desk and flashed her badge too. "I offered to take the overtime. I errr..." She sheepishly averted her eyes, feeling an unexpected blush creep onto her cheeks. "I kinda need the money."

Olivia didn't ask why but just nodded. "Ok."

Rollins heaved a sigh as she relaxed a little into the comfortable warmth of the ER. "So, what have we got?"

"Female, early twenties, attacked on her way home," Liv repeated what she'd been told by dispatch. She glanced at the nurse behind the desk and the redhead gave her a piece of paper. She checked the information. "Her name is Emma Hamilton. EMT's found her half a block from her home. She was on the ground, bleeding. Signs of vaginal trauma and bruising on her wrists and thighs."

"Detective Benson?"

Her name was called by a male doctor in light blue scrubs. He'd just removed his gloves and pushed them in the pocket of his shirt. He had salt and pepper coloured hair and kind brown eyes. He was no older than thirty five and bore the signs of a man who was about to finish a thirty-six hour shift. There was sadness etched across his face. It was yet another night where a woman had come into his ER after she had been assaulted. Every time he pulled a shift like this one he hoped it wouldn't happen again but those nights were rare.

Olivia knew many doctors in the ER by name after fifteen years in SVU and this one was no different. They had crossed paths before and the more often she saw the same doctor in the same hospital, the more she was reminded of the violence that was out there. She crossed the ER waiting room with Amanda on her heels and shook the doctor's hand.

"How is she?" was the first thing she asked.

"Shaken up," he answered. "Like you would expect after what she's been through. We've done a rape kit and it's already on the way to the lab. She said he grabbed her from behind and slammed her face first into the sidewalk. She's got some cuts and bruises."

"Can we see her?" Rollins asked.

"Right this way."

They followed him out of the waiting room and into the ER. It was a busy night. All cubicles were occupied but Olivia was relieved to see that the doctor led them to the other side of the room where there were a few small trauma rooms, far away from the drunks that were usually brought in around this time of night. She turned to the doctor, gave him a genuine smile and then slowly opened the door. She became aware of Amanda standing closely behind her and an unexpected warm shiver crept down her spine. She shook her head to rid herself of the sudden feeling and stepped into the room.

It was brightly lit but small. On the bed sat a young woman with short cropped blonde hair. She wore a standard issue blue hospital gown and had pulled her legs up to her chest, her arms wrapped around her knees. Weary eyes looked up when the two women entered the room and Olivia's brown eyes were met by confused and sad looking green ones. She felt her heart break in her chest when she saw the black eye and large cut across the woman's cheek.

"Emma?" Olivia said softly and the young woman nodded. "Hi, I'm Detective Olivia Benson and this Detective Amanda Rollins." She pointed at the arm chair next to the bed. "Is it OK if I sit down?"

Emma nodded and watched how Olivia sank down in the chair. Amanda moved behind her, one hand casually resting on the back of the chair. Her fingers brushed against Olivia's back by accident and she pulled back a little before fixing her eyes on the woman sitting in the bed. The way Emma looked back at them told her that she had not yet come off her adrenaline high. She was still in fight or flight mode.

"Can you tell us what happened?" Olivia carefully asked. She'd pulled her notepad and a pen from her pocket and opened. Her well trained eyes searched Emma's face.

"I was walking home after practice. I took the subway but the station is two blocks from my apartment," Emma answered. Her voice cracked. Her hands were shaking and tears welled up in her eyes. "I err…I don't know where he came from but suddenly he was behind me and…" Panic flashed across her face and anxious eyes darted around the room.

"It's okay," Amanda said softly and circled the bed. She was careful not to enter Emma's personal but came close enough so that the frightened woman could look her in the eye if she wanted to. "You're safe here."

Emma swallowed hard. "I crossed the street to get away from him but he did the same. Then next thing, he was on top of me. I was on the ground and…" She looked down at her bruised hands. "He was talking to me and he pulled down my jeans and then he…" She didn't finish the rest of her sentence but helplessly looked up at Olivia.

"Do you remember what he said?" Olivia asked.

"You should have watched your back."

Olivia unexpectedly sat up and her eyes widened in surprise. "What?"

"That's what he said," Emma answered, now staring at Olivia. "'You should have watched your back.'"

"Did you see his face?" Amanda wanted to know. "Anythin' about him that you can remember?"

"I didn't see his face. He was wearing a hood and he was behind me the whole time." Emma took a ragged breath. "But I did see his hands. He had a big scar on his right hand. Right here." She showed her hand and drew a line across the back of it. "And he wore a ring. It was big and made out of gold. Like a class ring or something."

Olivia's teeth worried her bottom lip and she glanced from Amanda to Emma. In her chest her heart was racing and the hairs on the back of her neck stood up. "Emma," she began, "when he was finished, who called 911?"

"He did."

Olivia closed her notebook and stood up. She smiled. "Thank you, Emma." Her eyes briefly darted to Amanda, signalling that they were about to leave. "If you think of anything else, call me, okay?" She reached into her pocket and pulled out one of her cards. "Doesn't matter if it's day or night."

She and Amanda left the room and as soon as the door closed behind them Amanda turned to look at Olivia. The older woman's face betrayed what Amanda had already suspected. "You've seen this before, haven't you?"

"Five years ago I worked a case where three women were attacked on the street. They were walking home at night and none of them were very far from their apartments. They were all thrown face down onto the ground, raped and their attacker told them that they should have watched their backs. Then he called 911."

"A rapist who calls 911?"Amanda cocked an eyebrow at the distinctive part of the pattern. "Really?"

"We got his DNA but there was never a match in the system. We expected him to keep going but after those three he just stopped. Disappeared off the surface of the Earth." Olivia leant against the wall and sighed. The case was one of the many files still on her desk. Every file represented a case that had still not been closed. Every few weeks she'd look through them, hoping she would finally find the piece she'd been missing but so far all the puzzles remained incomplete. "I'll never forget the look on their faces when we told them the case had gone cold."

Amanda looked at Olivia in surprise. "There were _never _any other hits?"

"Nothing."

"What kind of serial rapists just stops raping women?"

"They don't," Olivia said and her eyes darkened. She had dealt with plenty of serial rapists in her career. None of them ever just stopped. They always escalated and eventually they would be caught but not a single one would just stop what his twisted brain was telling him to do. She looked up at Amanda. "They continue to develop their MO but they never stop. They can't."

"So you think there are more victims out there?"

"I know there are, I just haven't found them yet."

Amanda watched the dark haired detective closely. She'd been working alongside Olivia Benson a little over three years now and she'd started to learn how to read her. Olivia Benson was an enigma to her most times but in moments like these, Olivia laid her emotions bare for the whole world to see. The anger that flickered behind her coffee coloured eyes betrayed her frustration about this case. Amanda didn't even need to ask and she pushed her hands into the pockets of her jeans.

"So where do we go from here?"

"We go back to the beginning. If he's back then I want to check every detail we have from the previous rapes," Olivia answered and she started down the hall. "Talk to the victims again, double check their statements and compare them to the one from tonight. Anything that could give us an idea where this guy's been and why he's back."

They walked through the waiting room and out of the building into the crisp New York night. It was bitter cold and the wind unexpectedly robbed Olivia of her breath. She turned to look at Amanda and watch the blonde detectives slip her hands into a pair of gloves before readjusting her beanie hat. The golden locks disappeared beneath the wool and suddenly a pair of bright blue eyes met Olivia's brown.

"You need a ride home?" Olivia asked, knowing Amanda hated driving in the city and would take the subway at every available opportunity, including call outs.

"It's outta your way," Amanda replied. "I'll take the subway."

"At this time of night? I don't think so." Olivia's answer was final. "I won't go back to sleep when I get home anyway."

Amanda knew that feeling. There had never been a time where she had managed to go back to sleep after a call out in the middle of the night. Most times she would go to the precinct but since they would have to wait till morning for any of the evidence to be processed, there was very little they could do now. The thought of going back to the warmth of her apartment was tempting.

"OK," she said with half a smile. "Thanks."

"Car's in the car park around the corner."

They walked side by side through the dark night until they reached the car park. Olivia fished her keys out of her pocket, unlocked the car and watched how Amanda got into the passenger seat. She slipped into the driver's side, stuck the key in the ignition and sighed in relief when the heating kicked in immediately.

"How do you cope with this weather?" Amanda groaned as she leant back in her seat, wrapping her arms around herself after buckling up.

"Georgia doesn't get this cold?"

"You're kiddin', right?" Amanda asked, eyeing the brunette detective up.

Olivia grinned as she put the car in reverse. Even after three years Amanda still found things to complain about when it came to New York. She gave her a sideways glance, taking in the sight of the younger woman's features being lit up by the golden gloom of the streetlights. Huddled into her coat and with her beanie hat covering her hair, Amanda looked barely old enough to legally buy booze. It was what gave the young detective her vulnerability, Olivia thought. Somehow, no matter how hard Amanda's mask became, her eyes always betrayed a lot of emotions were hidden underneath.

It had taken some time for her to get used to Amanda, and the same could be said for Nick. Elliot leaving changed her life and she hadn't realised just how much until he wasn't sitting at his desk anymore. Allowing other people to fill the gap he left behind confronted her with emotions she didn't even realise she had. Anger, frustration, jealousy and sadness all went hand in hand. But as the weeks turned into months and eventually years, they had found their balance and Olivia had put her life in their hands more than once.

"Do you miss Georgia?" Olivia asked, severing the comfortable silence that had lingered between them until now.

Amanda looked up. Considering it was early morning and she had been disturbed from her sleep, she looked wide awake. The question seemed to have caught her off guard and Olivia noticed the distinct flash of surprise across her face before it faded.

"Missin' is a strong word."

Olivia didn't miss the hesitation in Amanda's answer. "When was the last time you went home?"

"I don't go home," Amanda replied, her voice somewhat bitter. "I visit."

Olivia didn't touch the subject any further. Instead she drove the unmarked sedan through the quiet New York traffic. There weren't many cars about at this time of night and they reached Amanda' apartment within twenty minutes. Olivia pulled up outside the building and the blonde detective opened her door. Almost immediately a bitter cold gust wind of blew into the car.

"Try and get some sleep," Olivia said as Amanda got out. She knew her words were futile. She recognised a lot of herself in Amanda and she knew very well the Georgian detective wouldn't sleep. She smiled as Amanda leant back into the car, a quirky grin across her lips.

"I don't think I'll answer that." Her grin slightly faltered as she looked up into Olivia's eyes. "Thanks for the ride. I'll see ya later."

Olivia waited until Amanda had gone inside before she started her engine again and drove off. Now that the car was empty all that remained was the lingering scent of the blonde detective's perfume and Olivia found herself slightly sad that she no longer had company. She drove back towards her own apartment as the radio station played midnight country classics and when she finally pulled into a parking spot and got out all she wanted was a shower.

She opened the door and stepped inside, careful to be quiet so she didn't wake Brian. He had stirred when she got out of bed and mumbled something about breakfast. She glanced at the clock. It was almost four in the morning. A tired sigh escaped her as she crossed the living room down the hall towards the bathroom. Olivia stripped off, stepped under the flow of hot water and closed her eyes. Her head was spinning with thoughts about the serial rapist who had returned and when she finally switched off the shower she felt no cleaner than when she went in.

Across town Amanda was having similar problems. She'd stepped out of the shower and grabbed the nearest pair of jeans and sweatshirt she could find. With her hair still damp and on bare feet she walked through her small apartment to the living room and fell down on the couch. Her gaze was drawn to the windows; the curtains were open and invited in the view of New York at night. She was drawn back to the moment when she walked into the ER and laid eyes on Olivia. Her heart had skipped then and it skipped now. Mentally she chastised herself.

This was getting out of hand.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Amanda walked into the SVU squad room at half past seven, her hair still damp from the shower she took a little while earlier. She pulled her beanie hat off her head, threw it onto her desk and removed her scarf before unbuttoning her coat. The smell of fresh coffee reached her nose and she crossed the room to the small coffee corner and poured herself a cup. She walked back to her desk clutching her mug and just as she sat down she saw Olivia walk in.

She followed the brunette detective with her eyes as she headed straight for the coffee pot, picked up her favourite mug and poured herself a much needed drink. Olivia then turned around and Amanda averted her eyes just before the older woman saw her looking and picked up two files that had somehow landed on her desk since going home the night before. She jumped when she felt a hand on her shoulder and her head whipped around.

Olivia seemed somewhat startled by Amanda's reaction and was quick to apologise. "Sorry," she said, a hint of worry etched across her face. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"Lack of sleep, y'know," Amanda answered. "Makes me jumpy."

Olivia perched herself on the end of Amanda's desk. "I take it you didn't go back to sleep then?"

"Did you?"

"Brian was snoring when I came in. No one could sleep when he's chopping down the entire Amazon rainforest."

Amanda flashed half a smile and Olivia stood up. She crossed the room to her own desk, sat down and switched on her computer. She didn't see the blonde woman's eyes still lingering on her as she rummaged through her drawers looking for a pen and almost knocked over her coffee in the process. She also didn't see the almost pained expression that briefly appeared on Amanda's face as she watched Olivia and by the time she looked up, Amanda was already studying something on her own computer screen.

There were plenty of things that Olivia Benson didn't see or know about Amanda Rollins and that was all because the younger woman did everything in her power to keep it that way. She had managed to shield herself from the brunette's intense gaze. Truth be told, it was a daily struggle but over the years she had perfected the art of pretending and not even a trained detective like Olivia had managed to see behind the mask Amanda had so carefully put in place.

Amanda had never intended to develop feeling for anyone she worked with, and she had definitely not intended those feelings to be aimed at Olivia. It was just something that had happened over time and when she finally realised, it was already too late. They were there and she had to find some kind of coping mechanism to deal with them. Since gambling was no longer an option, she had turned to something perhaps far darker and dangerous. The anonymity of one night stands was something that elevated the stress and the pain for a little while; no questions asked, no strings attached. They were strangers in the night whose face she never saw in daylight.

It wasn't the fact that she had feelings for Olivia that hurt. It wasn't even the fact that she knew those feelings would never be answered. It was the fact that, every day, she had to face the woman she cared about go home to somebody whom Amanda didn't think was worthy of her. It was something she shared with Nick Amaro. He too wasn't a fan of Brian Cassidy, albeit for different reasons. But every time Olivia mentioned Cassidy's name, Amanda would hurt a little bit more inside.

She was roused from her thoughts when Cragen walked into the squad room accompanied by Fin and Nick. Cragen shrugged himself out of his trench coat and draped it across his arm before turning to Olivia and Amanda.

"I heard you had a call out last night?"

Olivia stood up, a file in her hand. She gave it to the captain and waited for him to look inside. When his eyes met hers, she knew he shared her thoughts. "You are about this?"

"MO is a match," she answered. "He's back."

"Who's back?" Nick wanted to know.

Olivia turned towards the squad room and her eyes darkened. "The 911 rapist."

Fin looked up. He recognised the name immediately and his eyes found Olivia's across the length of the room. "The guy who raped women on the street, told them they should have watched their back and then called 911 when he was finished?" He frowned and Olivia nodded. "It's been, what, five years?"

"Yeah," Olivia answered, her eyes briefly lingering on Amanda. "But he's back."

Amanda stood up and picked up one of the files that had been left on her desk. Inside were several photos that had been taken during the night and she stuck the portrait one of their victim onto the whiteboard before turning around. "Her name is Emma Hamilton, aged twenty-six. She was on her way home when the rapist struck from behind. He threw her down to the ground, raped her and then told her she should have watched her back before calling 911."

"The rape kit showed vaginal tearing and bruising on her thighs and wrists, no semen or DNA so he used a condom," Olivia said. "Emma described a scar on his right hand, identical to the scar described by the three previous victims." She reached over her desk to pick up three more photos and stuck them underneath Emma's one before writing the date and year of their rape underneath. "Serena Lambert, Allison McKenzie and Lauren Jones were all attacked in the timescale of two weeks. All were thrown to the ground, raped and the rapist called 911 when he was finished. They all described a large scar on his hand."

"Talk to those three," Cragen said. "See if they remember something now that they may have overlooked back then. Sometimes it takes time for victims to remember specific details that didn't seem important and get a sketch of that scar out to all other precincts with the warning that we have a possible serial rapist on the loose."

The detectives went their separate ways with Fin and Amanda returning to the hospital to speak to Emma and get a sketch of the scar and Olivia and Nick searching for the details of the previous victims and comparing the notes from the old cases.

Two hours went by without them really noticing. Paperwork littered Olivia's desk as she compared all the files, took out all the pictures and rearranged them in order. Nick watched her from a small distance, understanding that this was something Olivia had to do. He knew what it was like to be confronted by a case that tormented you. Every cop had one. The one that got away. This was Olivia's one and he knew she would do anything to catch him this time round.

"Did you have any suspects at all back then?" Nick asked when he noticed the frustrated look on Olivia's face as she stuck the pictured on the whiteboard and added the details of their time and location beside them. She turned around.

"No," she admitted. "It was one of those cases that remained on my desk for all this time. I'd run the pattern through the system a few times a year, hoping to find maybe more cases but nothing came up. It was as if our serial rapist had just disappeared."

"Did you do a search for New York State or a nationwide search?" Nick wanted to know.

"I even tried the FBI," Olivia sighed. "Compared records from guys who were arrested for other sexual offences and were locked up. Nothing stood out. He just vanished."

"So we have four victims, none of whom have seen his face. Do we have any security footage of nearby shops?"

Olivia held up to somewhat blurred photos that were clearly taken by a security camera outside a small bodega. "This is all we have. It shows us he's white, around six foot three, wearing a hoodie and jeans and what looks like work boots." She stuck the two photos onto the board and took a step back. "The original footage was almost impossible to clear up."

"Technology has changed a lot in the last five years," Nick suggested. "We could have them take another look at it." Olivia looked up, her eyes suddenly brighter. "They may also be able to clean up the audio recordings of his original911 call. I know a guy who's quite technical. He owes me."

At that same moment Fin and Amanda walked back in. The blonde detective crossed the room and stuck the picture of the scar onto the board. It was almost identical to the sketches provided by the previous victims.

"I'm gonna fax these to every precinct," Fin said as he took a copy of the picture. "We're gonna catch this son of a bitch."

"How is our victim?" Cragen asked. He walked out of his office when he saw Fin and Amanda return.

"Better," Amanda answered. "The doctor says she's free to leave later today. She's given me the address of her mother in Chelsea." Her eyes briefly flashed to Olivia. "She said she didn't want to go home."

"What about our old victims?" Cragen wanted to know. "Any luck tracking them down?"

Nick sat down at his desk and picked up a piece of paper. Olivia leant against her own desk, arms crossed in front of her chest. Her eyes weren't fixed on Nick but on Amanda. Somehow her eyes were always drawn to the blonde detective throughout he day. She didn't know why but she didn't fight it either. As she watched the younger woman she noticed the way her face hardened as she studied the pictures on the whiteboard. Olivia recognised the anger and devotion.

"Serena Lambert is currently travelling in Europe. I spoke to her mother and her last known location was just outside of Milan, Italy. She's not due back for another six months but her mother did say she would let her daughter know we'd like to speak to her," Nick said and looked around the squad room. "Allison McKenzie was killed in a car accident two years ago. Drunk driver."

Olivia felt an unexpected lump in the back of her throat. "Poor girl. Raped by a stranger and then killed by some idiot who got behind the wheel while he was drunk. It's not fair."

Nick briefly looked at his partner. Olivia's face reflected all her emotions. "Lauren Jones moved out of New York six months after the rape. She went back home and is currently living in Atlanta, Georgia."

"Atlanta?" Cragen asked and his eyes darted over to Amanda. "Isn't that your old backyard, Rollins?"

She nodded, feeling somewhat uncomfortable now that her old hometown was mentioned. She didn't have fond memories of Atlanta. In fact, she didn't have fond memories of home at all. "Yeah."

"You and Benson, get on the next available flight to Atlanta. I want you to talk to that girl. She is the only one who may be able to give us some new insight on this case," Cragen said and the two detectives looked up in surprise.

"Captain," Olivia began, suddenly feeling somewhat uneasy. From the corner of her eye she saw Amanda stare at the floor. "We can just speak to her over the phone."

"We're dealing with a serial rapist, Liv. I want you to take every photo you have that could trigger her memory and see if she's remembered something. I'll okay it with 1PP," Cragen dismissed her concerns and Olivia knew there was no arguing with him. In a way she knew she had to be grateful because they would have all the means required to solve this case but flying out to Atlanta wasn't what she had in mind. "You'd better hurry to pack your bags or you're going to be on the redeye!"

Olivia and Amanda both picked up their coats and left the squad room. Behind them they heard Cragen instruct Fin and Nick to chase up the audio recordings and old security footage of their rapist. When they reached the elevator and Olivia pressed the button she looked at Amanda. The younger woman's face was hard and emotionless. The normally so kind blue eyes suddenly seemed distant. It was as if a guard had suddenly been put up and Amanda Rollins was trying to protect herself.

"How long has it been?" Olivia wanted to know. The doors slid open and they stepped into the elevator. "Since you've been home?"

Amanda chewed the inside of her cheek. "Not long enough."

Olivia didn't ask any further. In her first few weeks Amanda had confided in her that something bad had happened to her while on the job back in Atlanta. Not long after that she learned about the difficult relationship Amanda had with her sister Kim. She'd quickly figured out that Amanda's life as had been anything but easy but it seemed that she had chosen not to talk about it.

Amanda felt the older woman's eyes on her. A whirlwind of emotions stirred in the pit of her stomach. She had managed to work alongside Olivia for all this time because it had been quite easy to stay out of her way when she felt she needed to. It was possible to keep a lid on her feelings if she worked alongside Fin and only spent time with Olivia on her own on rare occasions. The idea that they would travel to Atlanta together and would probably spend a couple of days in very close proximity of each other put her on edge. She didn't know how she was going cope.

Olivia leant against the wall without taking her eyes of Amanda. Once again she was taken in by the blonde's striking features. The long blonde hair and clear blue eyes accented her pale skin. Olivia couldn't deny she liked hearing Amanda talk. There was something about the Southern drawl that just dragged her in.

They weren't really friends but Olivia had tried to be on friendly terms with her. They were the only two women in the squad and it did create a bond. She'd soon learnt that Amanda wasn't really the type of person to hang outside of the job. Like Olivia, she lived for what she did. It was what Olivia recognised in her the first time they met. It was one of the first thing she noticed, besides her blue eyes and accent. Over time the lines of work and personal life had slowly begun to blur but it had never gone beyond grabbing a couple of beers with the guys at the end of a long week.

As far as Olivia knew Amanda was single. Until not too long ago, she herself had been single. She knew what it was like to come home at the end of a day to an empty apartment where nothing but a pile of unread mail and last week's take-out box waited for your return. Sometimes she wondered what Amanda did outside of work. She knew about her gambling struggles but had never mentioned to her. There were moments where she wondered how she coped at night, alone, in the dark, with the images of what they saw every imprinted into her head. She'd had plenty of nights like those herself and even now she still had them. Living with someone didn't chase those demons away. It just meant there was a light on whenever she walked through the door.

The soft ping announced that the elevator had reached the ground floor and it snapped Olivia out of her thoughts.

"You want a lift?" Olivia offered as the doors opened and they stepped out into the precinct's main lobby. "We can swing past your place and get your stuff, then go to mine. I don't know what airport we'll be leaving from but I think it will be La Guardia."

Amanda just smiled. "Sure," she replied and followed Olivia through the lobby and out into the bitter cold. The wind took her breath away and made her eyes well up with tears.

Olivia unlocked the car and watched as Amanda got inside. "I know you and your family have a troubled relationship," she said. "But I'm sure there'll be time to visit them."

"No," Amanda dismissed and folded her hands in her lap. She briefly looked at Olivia and the cold look in her eyes told the older woman that the subject of family was out of the question. "It is best if they never know I've been back home."

"Sorry," Olivia said. "I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable."

"S'allright," Amanda sighed. "It's just…. It's better, okay?"

Olivia started the car and briefly patted Amanda on her arm. "Okay."

Amanda felt her skin glow where Olivia had touched her and rested her head against the window. She couldn't even look at the other woman and she just hoped, prayed, that the next few days would go by quickly. As they drove away from the precinct Amanda realised that the only safe haven she had known, the only place where she had really managed to hide her feelings, lay behind them now. She was heading out into the great unknown and she had no idea how, or even if, she would cope.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Amanda tentatively stepped into Olivia's apartment. This was the place where the brunette detective had moved in with Brian Cassidy. She let her eyes wander around the living room and quickly realises that it was decorated to Olivia's taste. Spacious and bright, the apartment provided a stunning view over the city. Amanda felt a sharp pang of unexpected pain when her eyes came to a rest on a silver photo frame with a picture of Olivia and Cassidy inside.

"Make yourself at home, there's soda in the fridge!" Olivia shouted from the bedroom.

Amanda listened as Olivia stumbled around in the other room. She heard drawers open, the creaking sound of a door. She didn't sit down. Instead she stood somewhat clumsily in the living room with her hands in her pocket, staring at one of the painting on the wall. After a few minutes she heaved a sigh and slowly turned on her heel and walked into the direction of the bedroom. She leaned against the doorframe.

The walls in the bedroom were painted crème with one darker wall painted in a light shade of brown. The bed stood against that, the wooden headboard a sharp contrast against the dark background. The sheets were simple yet elegant; white with brown accent cushions. The lamps on the nightstands were white and silver. Black and white framed photos of flowers decorated one of the crème coloured walls. A black mirror hung on the opposite one. The room breathed comfort and warmth.

From where she stood she could watch Olivia. Dressed in a pair of black slacks that clung to all her curves in the right places, Amanda couldn't take her eyes off the older woman. She'd been guilty of this before but she couldn't help herself even though she knew she shouldn't be doing this. Olivia seemed oblivious to the fact she was being watched. Her baby blue sweater fell loosely around her body. She folded a couple of her shirts, picked up the book she'd been reading the night before and added it to the small pile of clothes.

"How long you reckon we're gonna be in Atlanta for?" Amanda asked and Olivia looked up. She hadn't even heard the blonde woman walk into her bedroom.

"Couple of days, no more," Olivia answered with a smile. She zipped up the small travelling suitcase and pulled it off the bed. There was a glint in her eye when she looked back at Amanda. The sight of the blonde leaning against the bedroom doorframe somehow did something to her but she didn't know what it was. Amanda has folded her arms across her chest and appeared distant. Olivia's eyes trailed over the younger woman's frame. "Why, you don't wanna be stuck with me?"

Amanda averted her eyes. "I don't wanna be stuck in Atlanta."

Olivia opened her mouth to speak but was cut off by the sound of her phone vibrating. She picked it up off the nightstand and checked the message. She then looked at Amanda. "Our flight leaves in three hours from La Guardia Airport. We can pick our tickets up at the gate." She slipped the phone into her pocket and her eyes fixed on Amanda. The blonde hadn't been herself since Cragen instructed them to go to Atlanta. "Hey, Amanda, you ok?"

"Yeah," Amanda lied and forced herself to smile. It wasn't just the prospect of spending two days with Olivia that made her feel uneasy. It was the fact she was returning to her home town; a place she had tried real hard to run away from. She turned around in the doorway without meeting Olivia's eyes and started down the hall back into the direction of the living room. "We'd better get goin'."

The sound of a key turning in the look made Amanda look up. Behind her Olivia emerged from the bedroom with her suitcase just as the door to the apartment opened. Cassidy walked in carrying two bags of groceries and he instantly laid eyes on Amanda and Olivia. The younger woman felt her heart sink and turned slightly to look at Olivia behind her.

"Hey," Cassidy smiled as he walked into the room. He took one glance at Olivia's suitcase and arched an eyebrow in amusement. "You leaving me?"

"It's work stuff," Olivia answered before pecking him quickly on the cheek. From the corner of her eye she watched Amanda walk to the door and she looked from the blonde back to Cassidy. "I gotta go to Atlanta for a couple of days with Rollins."

"OK," Cassidy answered and leaned in to kiss Olivia on her lips. "I'll see you when you get back."

She smiled her goodbye and wheeled her suitcase towards the door. When she stepped out of the apartment she found Amanda down the hall waiting by the elevator. She had already pressed the buttons and the doors swung open as Olivia walked up to her. Neither of them spoke as they got in and the doors slowly slid shut. Suddenly they were alone and Olivia gave the younger woman a sideways glance.

When the elevator made it down into the lobby both detectives got out and crossed the room. Once outside Olivia hailed a cab and the driver jumped out and opened the trunk for them. Amanda insisted on putting her own suitcase in before climbing into the back of the cab. Olivia joined her a few minutes later and joined her in the backseat. Her hand brushed against Amanda's as she put on her seatbelt and she nervously smiled.

The cabbie got back behind the wheel and turned around. He smiled, exposing a set of teeth that were in desperate need of a visit to a dentist. "Where to, ladies?"

"La Guardia Airport," Olivia answered. "Please."

"You two going on vacation?"

Amanda didn't answer but she cast a quick glance at Olivia. The older woman didn't answer either and instead she looked out of the window and ignored the question. Outside New York City flashed by. Grey clouds had packed together in the sky. It was cold outside. Winter was really here. Amanda sighed and turned to her own window, taking her eyes off Olivia. It seemed that neither of them was willing to answer exactly what it was they were planning to do in Atlanta.

~()~

It was early in the afternoon when they landed at Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport. They collected their bags from the baggage belt and joined the endless flow of passengers making their way through the airport into the direction of the exit. Amanda subconsciously found herself taking the lead, knowing the airport well and effortlessly cut herself a way through the crowd. Olivia was closely behind her and heaved a sigh in relief when they stepped out of the arrivals terminal and found they were standing outside car rentals.

"What you do want to do?" Amanda asked as they walked up to the car rental. "We haven't booked anywhere to sleep tonight. You just want to get a car, track down our victim, talk to her and find a motel for the night?"

"Okay," Olivia answered. She slid her hand into her pocket and pulled out the address she'd written down before leaving New York that morning. She gave it to Amanda. "You know where this is?"

"Yeah," Amanda answered. "I'll go grab us a ride and I'll meet you back here."

Olivia nodded and watched as the younger woman stepped inside the car rental place. She heaved a sigh once Amanda had disappeared from her sight and stared down at the floor. She couldn't put a finger on the reason why she felt so strange. She had known Amanda for several years now but it was only now that she was so aware of the other woman's reluctance to be here that she realised it wasn't just Amanda who wasn't happy to be in Atlanta.

Fifteen minutes later Amanda emerged from the car rental place clutching a set of keys and a smile.

"What are you smiling at?" Olivia wanted to know as they started walking in the direction of the cars.

"Nothin'," Amanda grinned.

Olivia eyed up the row of cars lined up ready to go. She suspiciously glanced at Amanda. The blonde's smile suddenly seemed to make a little sense. "What car did you get?"

"The only thing a person should be driving round here," Amanda grinned and pressed the unlock button on the car keys she held in her hand. A set of lights flashed and Olivia groaned as Amanda walked up to the dark blue vehicle. "A truck."

Fifteen minutes later the airport was behind them and they had joined the busy traffic going into Atlanta. The city's skyline was impressive and Olivia took in the sight. She had lived in New York all her life and although she had travelled, she had never been to Georgia. The radio played quietly. It was the only sound in the car. Since leaving the airport Amanda hadn't spoken and whenever Olivia looked at her she noticed how the features of the younger woman's face had hardened even more. Eventually she reached for the radio and turned it off. The sudden silence seemed to snap Amanda out of her thoughts.

"What happened?" Olivia softly asked, her hand coming to an unexpected rest on Amanda's knee. Amanda didn't make eye contact but kept her gaze firmly fixed on the road. "Listen, Amanda, I remember what you told me. That something happened to you."

"I don't want to talk about it," Amanda said dismissively. She crossed lanes and drove into the direction of the East part of town. She reached for the radio, turned it back on and cast Olivia one sideways glance. The look in her eyes was cold and distant but inside she was suddenly seething with raging emotions, all disturbed by Olivia's hand resting on her knee. She willed the older woman to move it but Olivia took her time. When she finally retreated Amanda released the breath she'd been holding.

"Well, that doesn't look good," Olivia said as she pointed at some of the dark clouds that appeared to be rolling in from the other side of town. It looked like they were in for some serious rain. She turned to look at Amanda who had also seen the clouds. "You get many thunderstorms around here?"

"Some of the best you'll ever see," Amanda replied with half a smile. The Southern drawl in her voice somehow seemed far more noticeable now. "My daddy's cousin got struck by lightnin' once."

They talked about the weather for the remainder of their journey and by the time they had reached the address they'd been looking for the first drops of thick rain had landed on the hood of the truck. The sky was almost black and the wind had suddenly picked up. It rustled the leaves on the trees and when the two detectives stepped out of the truck, Olivia huddled a little deeper into the jacket she was wearing. Although the temperature in Georgia was far more pleasant than back in New York, the wind still made her shiver.

The apartment building they had pulled up at looked relatively new. Amanda informed jer that this part of town had been a building site when she left, with planning permission to build thirty new condos. It appeared they had been finished and went the two women stepped into the lobby they were glad to be out of the rain. Olivia pressed the button for the elevator and they got in. It took them to the top floor where they got out and walked down the hall to number 30. Once there Amanda knocked and they waited.

The door opened after a couple of minutes and Olivia recognised Lauren Jones immediately. Her hair had grown a little and she had died it from blonde to brown but it was her. She was dressed in a pair of light blue jeans with a tear across the knee and an Atlanta Braves jersey. Lauren blinked a couple of times before recognising Olivia. Her eyes widened and her expression changed from surprise to sadness.

"He's done it again, hasn't he?"

"Lauren, may we come in?" Olivia asked softly. When she saw how Lauren looked at Amanda she quickly introduced her. "This is Detective Amanda Rollins. She works with me and we would really like to talk to you, if that's ok?"

Lauren hesitantly stepped aside and invited the detectives into her apartment. She closed the door behind them and followed them into the living room. The room was bright and airy, with windows that overlooked the streets below. In the distance the Atlanta skyline could be seen. The television was on, showing rerun of daytime television soap operas. Lauren sank down onto her couch and Olivia sat down beside her whilst Amanda chose one of the arm chairs.

"You're here," Lauren said as she looked at Olivia. "You came all the way to Atlanta." There was a tremor in his voice. "He's done it again. He's raped someone else."

Olivia swallowed hard. "It looks that way, yes," she answered. "Which is why we came to talk to you."

"We were wonderin' if there's anything else you may have remembered? Somethin' that maybe you didn't think mattered before?" Amanda asked. She cocked her head a little. "Or maybe just tell is what you do remember?"

Lauren took a deep breath. "I moved back to Atlanta because I wanted to forget what happened in New York. But now he's followed me here." Tears glistened in her eyes. "He's never going to leave me alone. He'll always haunt me."

Amanda felt her throat constrict and her gaze dropped into her lap. She had left Atlanta and moved to New York to forget what had happened here. It didn't matter how far she tried to run. It seemed the demons from the past would always catch up somehow.

"I know and I'm sorry you have to go through this again," Olivia said soothingly. Her eyes briefly flashed in the direction of Amanda and noticed how she didn't look at her or Lauren. Worry began to settle in her chest and reluctantly she tore her eyes away from the other detective and looked back at Lauren. She had to focus on what Lauren could tell her if they wanted to close this case. "But anything that you can tell us may help us finally catch this guy."

"I was walking home after watching a friend play with her band," Lauren replied. Her voice was shaky and her eyes flashed around the room nervously as if to make sure nobody was about to hurt her. "She'd offered me a ride but I said I was fine on my own. I wanted the fresh air. I took the subway and walked the last three blocks to my apartment. I don't know where he came from but suddenly he was behind me. I heard his footsteps and I started walking faster but he did too. Then suddenly…" Her voice trailed off.

"You described the scar on his hand," Amanda said and showed the picture of the sketch on her phone. Lauren nodded. "Do you remember anythin' else about him?"

There was a pause. The silence only lasted a few seconds but in those few seconds it felt as if everything changed. Outside the heavens opened and the rain suddenly lashed against the apartment windows relentlessly with a sound so deafening it made all three women look up. In that same moment Olivia's eyes found Amanda's; an unguarded moment in which she suddenly got to see hurt flicker in those baby blue eyes.

"I remember his smell," Lauren said over the sound of rain and the two detectives looked at her, severing their own eye contact. Lauren's voice was hoarse, like she had been shouting for hours. Her hands were shaking and quiet tears slid down her cheek. "At first I didn't realise it but after a few days I remembered." She looked up at Olivia. "I remember the smell."

"The smell?" Olivia asked. "What kind of smell? Like alcohol or cologne?"

"Cigarettes." Lauren felt her stomach turn and the bile in the back of her throat rose up. "He smelt like cigarettes."

Olivia and Amanda stayed at Lauren's apartment for another hour, carefully helping her go through the events that had changed her life. With Olivia holding her hand she was able to describe the attack into great detail, telling the detectives that she been able to catch a glimpse of his head when she tried to look at him. For the first time since the start of the investigation one of the victims was able to tell them that the rapist's hair was black.

It was still raining when they left and when they climbed into the truck they were soaking wet. Amanda rested her head against the window. Strands of blonde hair stuck to her forehead and water dripped from her coat.

"Where are we gonna go now?" Olivia asked as she looked up at the sky. In the distance the thunder rumbled. She had never seen a sky get this black. It looked like the end of the world out there.

"There used to be a motel a couple of miles down the road from here," Amanda answered as she turned the key and the engine began to roar. "Don't know if it's still there but if it is, it will be nearest place with a warm shower."

Olivia brushed the wet hair out of her eyes and sighed. "I'll take anything right about now."

The roads were quieter now. It seemed most people had sought shelter from the rain. A bright flash of lightning lit up the sky and was followed a few seconds louder by a loud, threatening rumble. Amanda looked at Olivia sitting beside her. "Looks like the thunder is a few miles away still. When it comes, we'll know."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "I can't wait."

A few minutes later Amanda pulled up in the small parking lot of the motel she had mentioned to Olivia. Before getting out of the car she quickly looked around, as far as the heavy rain allowed her to see. The 'vacancies' sign was on but the car park was full of cars. She turned to look at Olivia. "I'll go see if they've got a room. If not, I'll call an old buddy of mine. He owns a place on the other side of town."

"You want to drive in this?!" Olivia asked, pointing at the torrential downpour outside. "That's practically suicide!"

Amanda opened the car door and jumped out. She turned around, a quirky grin from ear to ear. "Welcome to Georgia."

She disappeared into the small office building and Olivia turned up the volume of the radio. Amanda had chosen a country station, much to Olivia's surprise. Although a Southern girl, she hadn't pegged Amanda to be the type to like Vince Gill, Reba McEntire and Tim McGraw. She couldn't deny that hearing some of the classics was soothing and she had even found herself humming along to Dolly Parton at some point.

Her mind drifted back to the look she had seen in Amanda's eyes only half an hour earlier back at Lauren's apartment. For the first time she had seen just how fragile the other woman looked. Something deep inside Olivia stirred as she thought of the blonde detective and she was snapped out of her thoughts when the door on the driver's side of the truck opened and Amanda appeared. She was drenched.

"We've got a problem," she said, looking somewhat crestfallen. "Guy inside says he's only got one room. We either take it or drive further to find somewhere else but he warned that the next place suffers flooding when it rains like this."

"I don't mind sharing if you're ok with it?" Olivia asked and Amanda shrugged.

The older detective got out of the truck and they walked through the endless rain towards the end of the site. Amanda stuck the key card she'd gotten from the owner into the lock and the door swung open. Both women shivered and heaved a sigh of relief as they stepped inside, out of the rain. Amanda switched on the light and now that the room bathed in a soft golden glow they encountered the next problem. A neatly made king size bed was the only sleeping arrangement in the room. She slowly turned to look at Olivia and pointed at the small, dated couch.

"I'll take that. You can have the bed."

Olivia just smiled. "You want the first shower then?"

Amanda nodded and crossed the room. She stepped into the small bathroom and closed the door behind her. The first thing she saw was her own reflection in the mirror. Run down and wet, with tired eyes and pale skin. She rested with her back against the door as she heard Olivia stumble around in the room. She heaved a sigh, her heart pounding in her chest.

This was going to be a long night.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

_"We're like fire and gasoline_  
_ I'm no good for you_  
_ You're no good for me_  
_ We only bring each other tears and sorrow_  
_ But tonight, I'm gonna love you like there's no tomorrow"_  
_~Chris Young - Tomorrow_

The motel room felt small. Too small. Amanda could feel the walls closing in on her. She sat on the sofa bed, her legs curled up underneath her and dressed in a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. She'd tied her damp hair back in a messy ponytail. Outside the rain lashed against the window and the sound of thunder continued rumble in the sky. Every few minutes a bright flash of lightening lit up the small room. In between flashes the only light came from the small TV.

Olivia lay on the bed, propped up against the pillows. She wore a pair of yoga pants and an off shoulder cream coloured shirt. Her brown hair had started to curl more than usual and was still wet. Ever since she came out of the bathroom she had barely spoken to Amanda. It seemed that neither of them really knew what to say. Instead they watched a movie in silence as outside Mother Nature reminded them who really controlled this Earth.

Eventually Amanda sat up. "I'm gonna get somethin' to eat," she said when she noticed Olivia looking at her. "Want me to get you anythin'?"

"Where are you going to get food from?" Olivia wanted to know. "Have you looked outside?!"

"I saw a snack machine on our way up here. It's sheltered," Amanda answered.

Olivia watched the blonde detective walk to the door. She didn't like the idea of Amanda going back out into the storm. "Don't they deliver pizza around here?"

Amanda turned around. "It may take a while to get here, that's all."

"Beats going outside, doesn't it?" Olivia suggested and she got up and opened one of the drawers of the bedside table. With a triumphant smile she pulled out what looked like a pizza menu and threw it Amanda. The blonde caught it, looking slightly bewildered, and Olivia's smile only grew wider. "Here, you choose!"

Amanda sat back down and looked at the menu. She chose a pizza with five different kinds of meat and dug her cell phone out of her pocket. She dialled the number on the front of the menu and after a couple of rings a woman with a strong Georgian accent answered. Amanda placed the order and added two six packs of beer and potato chips before giving the woman the address and room number of their motel room. She then hung up and found Olivia looking at her.

"What?"

"Nothing," Olivia replied and averted her gaze.

She had been unable to keep her eyes off Amanda since they got here. She didn't know why or how but somehow she was drawn to the younger woman. While Amanda was in the shower she'd called Brian to let him know she was allright and would be back some time the next day. He wasn't home and she left a message. The image of their empty apartment had filled her head and it wasn't until Amanda walked out of the bathroom that she realised that she was lonely; she didn't want to be alone.

Brian was a nice guy. She liked him. She didn't know if she loved him but she liked him. He was there when she came home from work. She wasn't alone anymore. He was a good man and although there were many things she wasn't certain about, she knew that he cared about her. She cared about him but that earthshattering kind of feeling people had always described to her…. It hadn't hit her yet. Sometimes she looked at him as he slept and wondered if it ever would or whether this was it.

For a long time she didn't believe she would actually meet someone she'd feel like she could settle down with. The job, the things she saw on a daily basis, had changed her perspective of life and love. It had made her synical and weary. Too many mistakes and one broken heart too many had left Olivia Benson feeling that perhaps love wasn't for everyone. It seemed that, from the way Amanda lived her life, Olivia wasn't the only one who had that thought. That brought them together, she realised. Two people in the same room together could still be the two loneliest people in the world.

"You heard of Nick and Fin?" Amanda asked, no longer able to bear the silence between them. At least if they talked about work, they wouldn't fall prisoner to the demons in their own heads.

Olivia nodded. "Nick said that our victim mentioned the same smell Lauren did. The cigarette smell. She'd been discharged from the hospital and staying with her mother in the Upper East Side. She said she didn't think she'd be able to go home again."

"We need to catch this guy," Amanda said through gritted teeth. "Son of a bitch."

"I know." Olivia's voice was soft and distant. "He's the one that got away. The one I've never given up on. I know he's out there…. I just need to find him..."

She was cut off by the sound of her cell phone ringing and she looked at the caller ID. When she saw Nick's name flash across the screen she grabbed it, showed it to Amanda real quick and then answered. The second she heard his voice she knew that what he was about to tell her was going to break her heart.

"We've got another one."

"Shit."

Amanda sat up when she heard Olivia swear. Slowly her eyes drifted up to the detective's face and she watched how the relaxed features slowly hardened and darkened. The glint she had seen in Olivia's eyes moments earlier slowly faded and what remained was the cold hard stare of a woman who was confronted with her nemesis.

After a few minutes Olivia hung up and she threw her phone on the bed. Bitterness laced her voice. "The bastard raped another woman."

Amanda covered her face in her hands. Anger coiled in the pit of her stomach, rearing its head like a cobra ready to strike. She chewed the inside of her cheek as the bitterness spread through her veins. "I feel useless sittin' here. We shouldn't be in Atlanta. We should be in New York nailing his ass!"

"I know." Olivia swallowed. Anger was evident in her voice. In her time as an SVU detective she'd handled more rape cases than she cared to remember but this one got to her. This was the kind of guy who got under her skin. Who still managed to attack women right under their noses, like he was taunting them. "God, I'd like to cut this guy's balls off with a rusty steak knife!"

Amanda got up, walked across the room and fell down on the bed next to Olivia. She cast her a sideways glance. "How many cases have you worked since joining SVU?"

Olivia snorted. "I lost count."

"How many have you had that got under your skin so badly that you felt like it would destroy you?"

Olivia's eyes fixed on Amanda. This was the first time Amanda dealt with this case. She was surprised it stirred such deep emotions in her. Slowly she began to understand. "You wanna talk about it?"

Amanda looked down at her hands. "I'd just joined Vice," she said softly. "My captain sent me undercover to bust a prostitution ring but we stumbled across a serial rapist instead. Sicko liked to rape women after he put a plastic bag over their heads. He'd carve them up afterwards. We had his sketch but he kept avoidin' us. One night he raped a girl in a brothel in downtown Atlanta." Amanda swallowed hard. "I was in the next room workin' my case and never heard a thing."

"Amanda, that wasn't your fault!"

Weary blue eyes looked up. "Wasn't it?" she challenged, her voice full of self-loathing. "Tell that to the girl he raped. He left her for dead."

Olivia's breath hitched when she saw the hurt in Amanda's eyes. She reached out and covered the blonde's hand with her own. It was a soft, comforting touch. The kind that could erase any demon in the room and bring you back to a place of safety. "Did you catch him?"

"Yeah," Amanda grimaced and her hand twitched underneath Olivia's in an attempt to pull away but Olivia's grip only tightened. She wasn't going to let go. "Two nights later he grabbed another girl. She was an undercover cop." Her features hardened and when she spoke again her voice was flat and void of emotion. "I put a bullet in his head."

"We all have been in situations like that," Olivia said softly. "The kind where we wish we had found a perp sooner, had a chance to change things. We have to accept that sometimes we get it wrong. Sometimes we're too late and that burden, that guilt, we carry with us for the rest of our lives." She let her hand slip under Amanda's chin, forcing her to look at her. "But we have to remember the ones we did save. The ones where we caught the bad guy and gave somebody back their life knowing that the person who hurt them is in jail. Those are the ones I want to remember." There was a pause and her fingers absentmindedly stroked Amanda's jaw. "You should too."

Amanda jerked her head away when she felt Olivia's fingers graze her cheek and stood up. At that same moment there was a knock on the door and her hand shot down to the gun she had tucked into the back of her jeans before realising it was probably the pizza delivery guy. She opened the door and found a teenage boy, no older than eighteen, standing outside in the pouring rain. He gave Amanda the pizza box and a plastic bag with the beer and chips and she paid him. When she turned back to Olivia the older woman had climbed back onto the bed.

They ate in relatively silence, speaking only to comment on the food or the movie on the TV. The movie they had been watching earlier was finished and the next one was a movie they both knew well. Overly dramatized with so called epic special effects, it was only ironic that Twister was the movie on TV during one of the worst storms Georgia had experienced in months. The strong winds howled around the shabby motel, leaving the windows to rattle in their frame.

Amanda opened her second can of beer and the bitter taste of the alcohol in the back of her throat was strangely comforting. Every so often she looked at Olivia and once or twice she caught the older woman looking back at her. Whenever their eyes met her heart did a double flip. Her hand still burnt where Olivia had touched her and the prospect of spending the night in the same room was slowly starting to suffocate her.

Olivia was on her third beer when her phone vibrated and she saw it was a message from Cassidy. She opened it. _Got your message. Glad everything's ok. Out with a couple of guys from work. There's a game on._

Amanda watched Olivia with her phone. "Cassidy?" she asked, not sure why she tortured herself by even asking that question.

"Yeah," Olivia answered as she put the device down. "He's out with his buddies."

"You two enjoyin' livin' together?" Amanda asked as she stared down into her lap.

"It's… different."

"You don't sound too convincin'."

Olivia couldn't suppress a grin. "Have you ever lived with someone?"

"I'm not exactly the room-mate type."

The dark haired detective studied Amanda's face. She leaned back into the pillows on the bed and sighed but never took her eyes off Amanda. "Brian is… how do I put this….Let's just say it's taking us both a little time to get used to actually being around each other all the time." She cocked her head when she noticed the distant look in Amanda's eyes. "Are you seeing anyone?"

Amanda's head whipped up at that question and the guard she had dared to drop moments earlier kicked back in. "No," she said sharply. "No, I'm not."

"But there is someone, isn't there?" Olivia pressed when she noticed how defensive Amanda became. The question wasn't a challenge. It was her own curiosity taking over. Amanda Rollins was a mystery to her and she was just looking for a way to get her to open up, to reveal something about herself. It wasn't meant to anger or upset the younger woman but Amanda jumped off the bed anyway and walked back to the couch. She didn't sit down. Instead she just stood there with her back turned towards Olivia, her hands suddenly clenched into fists.

"Amanda, I'm sorry," Olivia said and she slipped off the bed too. "I was just trying to find something to talk about. I didn't mean to…" It appeared that Amanda didn't want to share the loneliness she herself was feeling. Olivia reached out a hand to touch Amanda but the blonde pulled away. Her detective instinct took hold and Olivia's eyes widened slightly. "Listen, if you want to talk about it…"

"I don't _want _to talk about it," Amanda bit back. "There's nothing to talk about."

Olivia's hands fell down her sides in a helpless gesture. Amanda still had not turned around. "I'm sorry," she said again. "I crossed a line."

"Yes, you did," Amanda answered slowly and finally turned around. Bitterness flickered behind her eyes. "And now there's no way back from there. I told you I didn't want to go to Atlanta."

"That's what this is?" Olivia said softly. "This is about Atlanta?"

"No." Amanda's eyes had lost their shine. "This is about _you."_

Before Olivia had a chance to respond she was overwhelmed by the feeling of Amanda's lips crashing against her own. The weight of the blonde knocked her off her balance and she staggered backwards, in the general direction of the bed. Her legs made contact with the frame and she fell, grabbing hold of Amanda in her fall. Her arms were firmly wrapped around the younger woman's back and the kiss grew in intensity when Olivia's mind went blank and she gave in to the reeling sensation that took hold of her without warning.

Seconds seemed to feel like an eternity and she only emerged from the emptiness of her mind slowly, growing more and more aware of the weight on top of her, of the lips pressing against her own, of the hair that her fingers were threading and of the way her heart was beating in her chest. Insanely fast, insanely needy. Every cell of her body suddenly screamed for something she had never even known she could feel or want. But it was there, waking up inside of her like a monster that had been asleep for years. Reaching out slowly, grabbing hold of her. Olivia Benson's eyes snapped wide open to find that she gave herself over to the feeling of Amanda kissing her.

The need for oxygen eventually drove them apart and Amanda pushed herself away from the older woman lying beneath her. Propped up, her arms carrying all her weight, she looked down at Olivia and watched how the normal shade of brown in her eyes changed to almost black. Lust replaced surprise and it was Olivia who moved back in, looking for another kiss. When her lips found Amanda's, their forehead rested against each other.

"This is a bad idea," Amanda breathed as Olivia's lips brushed against her own. Her nimble fingers softly tucked at the dark haired woman's shirt. Fingertips grazed across suddenly exposed, warm flesh. "A really _really _bad idea."

Olivia had found the button of Amanda's jeans. "I know," she whispered as she opened it. She caught a glimpse of the light baby blue girly boxer shorts she wore underneath. "But I don't care."

Amanda carefully peeled Olivia's shirt away from her skin, pulling it up to reveal olive coloured skin. Olivia willingly raised her arms to Amanda could remove the shirt, revealing the simple yet elegant white laced bra she wore underneath. The contrast of the white against the tone of her skin was stunning and a soft gasp escaped Amanda as she let her fingers journey across Olivia's collar bone. She leaned in, leaving a trail of kisses across the now glowing flesh.

"Are you sure?"

In one swift move Olivia removed Amanda's sweatshirt and cupped her breasts through her bra. "Yeah," she uttered. "I'm sure."

Amanda didn't ask any more questions. She didn't ask why Olivia did this, what had brought them to this moment or how they would feel when the storm outside would ease and the sun would appear over the horizon. She didn't care about the fact this would be no good for either one of them. She didn't think about the consequences. She didn't think at all. Instead she leaned in and pressed Olivia back into the mattress before slowly kissing her way down across her chest.

Carefully she let her fingers slide behind the older woman's back and unhooked her bra. The fabric slipped away from Olivia's skin and Amanda's lips curled up into a teasing smile as she let her hands slide across the hardened nipples. Olivia's back arched off the bed when Amanda softly squeezed, her warm lips now sucking down on the pulse point just below Olivia's ear.

Olivia managed to take off Amanda's bra before impatiently tucking at her jeans. The blonde sat up, peeled the denim down her thighs and then kicked them across the room. As she climbed back on top of Olivia she slowly, teasingly, slid the yoga pants down Olivia's legs before hooking her fingers behind her panties. A few seconds later they were both naked, their bodies fitting perfectly together in a tangles mess of limbs and searing kisses. Outside another flash of lightening lit up the Georgia night and the sound of the rain rattling on the roof filled the room.

There was nothing left to stop them now. Nothing that could change what had already been done and Amanda didn't care. She looked into Olivia's eyes as her right hand dipped between the other woman's legs, exploring what lay waiting for her. She kissed Olivia and Olivia kissed her. Morning seemed like a lifetime away. All there was now was the beating of their own hearts, the desire that bound them together in this very moment. After tonight, there was no way back.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

She woke to the feeling of a pounding headache, a sore throat and a cold shiver creeping down her spine. Blue eyes slowly opened and Amanda looked around the motel room. The sheets were draped around her naked body, reminding her instantly of what had happened the night before. Slowly she turned her head, unsure what to expect. What she saw was the other side of the bed empty, the mattress cold. A heavy sigh escaped her as she let her head fall back onto the pillow, the images from the night before flashing before her eyes.

"Shit, shit, shit," she hissed to herself, shuddering as the memory of Olivia Benson's fingers between her thighs hit her hard. Amanda's teeth sank down in her bottom lip until she tasted her own blood and she willed herself to store the image into the back of her mind. Anger welled up inside of her and she kicked the sheets away from her. "FUCK!"

She sat up, naked, and let her eyes wander around the room. Olivia's clothes were gone. The only reminders of what had happened here were her own clothes lying across the floor, the empty beer cans and the pizza box. With a sickening feeling Amanda swung her legs over the side of the bed and got up. She walked across to the bathroom and switched on the shower. She turned to the mirror and saw her own reflection.

She'd slept with Olivia Benson. Somehow she had let go of all her self restraint and just gave into what she was feeling. They crossed a line; one which she knew could never be uncrossed. Her eyes fluttered shut. Olivia Benson. The same Olivia Benson who was in a relationship with Brian Cassidy. Last night she'd said this was a bad idea and now that the morning was here she knew why. This was never supposed to happen. But Olivia had wanted it too. She had been the one who said she didn't care about the next morning when they would have to face what they had done. She had kissed Amanda, touched her, and loved her.

The bite mark just above her collar bone, bruised in a dark shade of purple, was a clear reminder of that. Amanda's blonde hair fell in messy strings across her face. She felt like she'd run a marathon. Her body ached in ways she didn't know it could ache. Not just on the outside but on the inside too. Waking up to find Olivia was gone hurt. It told what deep down she already knew. This had been a mistake. Amanda's blue eyes were hollow and when she stepped into the shower she couldn't suppress the tears that came out of nowhere and she cried.

The empty bed told her Olivia had left. She didn't want to stay, couldn't face the morning knowing what had happened between them. She should have known this would happen. As the water poured down on her Amanda mentally chastised herself for actually believing that maybe Olivia would have been there when she woke up. But she wasn't. She was alone. She would always be alone.

Fifteen minutes later and with her skin rubbed raw in an attempt to erase as much of the previous night as possible she emerged from the shower, wrapped herself up in a towel and quickly grabbed a set of clean clothes from her suitcase. She got dressed, brushed her hair and threw her dirty clothes into her case before zipping it up. She didn't know where Olivia was. She grabbed her phone of the side table and checked for any calls or messages. There were none. Amanda then opened the door and stepped out of the room. When she approached the pick-up parked right outside she noticed the person sitting inside.

Amanda's heart skipped a beat when she saw Olivia leaning against the window, her hand underneath her head and her eyes closed. From where she stood it seemed as if the detective was asleep but she had learnt never to trust things at first glance. As she slowly approached the vehicle Amanda noticed Olivia's eyes opening and through the windscreen their gazes locked. It was a look that spoke a thousand words and if her heart was capable of breaking into a thousand pieces, Amanda felt it shatter in that very moment.

She opened the door to the drivers' side and hauled her suitcase into the back. Her eyes then drifted back to Olivia. The brunette was watching her.

Amanda didn't climb into the truck. She stood by the door, her hand on the door handle. A gust of wind pulled at her hair and sent a shiver down her spine. "Hey."

"Hey."

It had stopped raining. The sun was trying to break through the clouds and it looked like it was set to be a nice day. Amanda looked around outside the truck to see a few tree branches in the road but it looked like the damage from the storm was limited. When she looked back at Olivia the tension was so thick it could be cut with a knife. Amanda saw the hurt and the pain in Olivia's eyes.

"How long have you been here?" It rolled off her tongue without really thinking and she immediately regretted it.

"I errr…," Olivia began, her voice shaking. "Amanda…"

Amanda understood. Olivia didn't have to say anything. She heaved a sigh, got behind the wheel and stuck the key in the ignition. From the corner of her eye she saw Olivia looking at her. She knew what that look meant. She knew what Olivia was trying to say. They wouldn't talk about it. What happened between them would never be mentioned again. It didn't happen.

"You want coffee?" Amanda asked, her voice flat. She avoided making eye contact. She wasn't sure she could take the rejection or face the turmoil she'd seen in Olivia's eyes. She didn't know if she would be able to cope with her own emotions on top of that. She put the car in reverse and the engine roared. She clutched the steering wheel so tightly that her knuckles turned white and her muscles hurt. "There's a good place at the airport."

"Yeah," Olivia said quietly. "And then we can go home."

Amanda cringed as those words sank in. She didn't know what home was anymore. Once it had been Atlanta until she fled, seeking shelter in New York. That was where her path crossed that of Olivia Benson and now, after last night, New York didn't feel like anything anymore. She swallowed hard as she turned right at the end of the road and picked up the signs for the airport.

They didn't speak. The silence was deafening and heart shattering but Amanda could find the words. Every so often she would look at Olivia. The older woman's head still rested against the window, her fingers threaded in her hair and her eyes fixed on something in the distance that Amanda couldn't see. When she eventually reached for the radio and switched it on she was struck by the song playing and felt the tears well up as she drove and the lyrics filled the truck, confronting them both with a painful and uncomfortable truth.

"…_My heart can't take the beating, not having you to hold. A small voice keeps repeating deep inside my soul, it says I can't keep pretending I don't love you anymore…"_

~()~

There had never been a day that felt longer in her life than this one. When Amanda finally closed the door to her apartment behind her she didn't know how she had made it this far. The sound of the door falling into its lock only to be confronted by the emptiness of her apartment hit her like a ton of bricks. She abandoned her suitcase in the kitchen and walked through the small living room to her bedroom. Olivia had suggested they both got changed before going back to the precinct. It had sounded like an excuse to get away from her for a little while and Amanda couldn't even bring herself to hurt anymore. She felt numb.

She sank down onto the bed and kicked off her shoes, all the while remembering Olivia. They'd spent a couple of hours in one of the coffee shops at the airport until it was time for them to catch their flight. They didn't speak. Not even about the case. The silence lasted for hours but once they were on the plane Olivia, who sat by the window, went to sleep. Amanda, sitting next to her, pretended to be reading one of the magazines stuffed into the pocket of the seat in front of her, but couldn't focus. How could two people make such a mistake?

Amanda changed into a pair of black slacks, white long sleeved blouse and red jacket, brushed her hair and tied it into a ponytail, and put on her boots. She strapped her gun to her waist, clipped her shield to her belt and made sure that her blouse covered up the bite mark. The last thing she needed was Fin asking questions about how exactly she got it.

She took the subway to the precinct and walked into the squad room to find Olivia's desk empty. The aching in her chest almost immediately subsided. Not being confronted by the dark haired woman gave her time to rebuild her wall, to slip back behind the mask. She heaved a sigh in relief and immediately checked in with Fin and Nick who filled her in on their latest rape victim.

"Name's Sheila Montgomery, 25. She was walking home after a party at a friend's house when he attacked her. Same MO. Knocked her to the ground from behind, raped her and told her she should have watched her back then called 911," Fin said as Amanda studied the crime scene photos on the board. "Find anything in Georgia?"

"Yeah but nothing that helps this case," she answered without looking at him. When she felt his eyes burn into her back she turned slightly and forced to smile. "A whole lot of demons I don't wanna deal with."

Nick leaned back into his chair. "Have we given any thought as to why this guy attacks women this way? He's a serial rapist. He must have some kind of motivation for his attacks. They're organised, his MO doesn't change. Something's driving him."

"Rape is about control and power," Amanda answered. "He needs to overpower these women because in his day to day life he doesn't feel confident enough or he sees them as something that he can claim. To some men, women are just objects that are meaningless."

"Two completely different scenarios," Fin pointed out. "They both suit a different type of man. This guy is attacking from behind. What is he afraid of? That they see his face? Or is it because he's too afraid to look them in the eye?"

Amanda arched an eyebrow. "Guilt? That would be a first."

"Some rapists and child molesters do know that what they're doing is wrong," Nick added. "But their urges prevent them from stopping. These are usually the type that claims they're sick. If this guy does have some kind of remorse it could explain why he calls 911 after he rapes them."

Fin looked at Nick. "But it doesn't explain why he tells the women they should have watched their backs."

"It could be symbolic," Amanda suggested and the two men turned to her. She pointed at the pictures of the victims on the board and the sketch of the scar. "If Nick is right and this guy does feel some kind of hurt, even knows what he's doing is wrong, then maybe what he's trying to say is that if they had turned around and seen him, maybe tried to get away or even challenged him, he wouldn't have done what he did."

"He's blaming the victims," Nick said slowly. "He's saying it was their fault."

"Doesn't sound like someone who feels guilty to me." Fin's eyes narrowed. "He's just like any other pervert out there."

Amanda turned towards her partner. "But he doesn't think he is and that makes him act the way he does."

"So not only is a rapist, he's an idiot too?" Nick said.

Fin nudged him, a grin across his face. "Wouldn't be the first."

Amanda walked over to the board, her eyes darting from one victim to the next and picked up a pen. She started writing and when she was finished she looked at the two men.

"Our first victim, Serena Lambert, was on her way back from her boyfriend's place in Greenwich Village. Her parents live in the Upper West Side. Alison McKenzie was on her way to see a friend who lives on West 16th Street. She'd gotten off the subway ten minutes before she was attacked and Lauren Jones watched her friend play a gig in Soho but had gotten off the subway a couple of blocks from her apartment and was walking home." She slowly turned back to the board. "Lauren's apartment was on West 26th Street."

Fin sat up, having spotted the point Amanda was making. "All these journeys travel through or end in Chelsea."

"We have a winner," she said. "Victim number four Emma Hamilton's band practice was in a small studio in the East Village and she took the subway home to Chelsea." She paused and looked at Nick and Fin. "The last victim, Sheila Montgomery, also lives in Chelsea and was walking home from a bodega a block from her apartment." Amanda pointed at the map of New York City on the wall. "Chelsea is our hotspot. All women travelled either to or through Chelsea the night they were attacked. He most likely singled them out there."

"But how would he have seen Serena Lambert if she was on the train from Greenwich to the Upper West Side?" Nick asked.

Fin flipped through the notes and smacked his fist on the table. "Serena got off the train in Chelsea because she wanted to pick up some flowers for her mother's birthday. Bodega owner round the corner from the station remembers seeing her. Perp must have seen her there and followed her back onto the train, attacked her when she reached the Upper West Side."

"So our perp likes to hunt in Chelsea," Nick said. "That's still a lot of ground to cover. These attacks cover the entire neighbourhood."

"There's something else all these women have in common," Fin said slowly. "They're all between the ages of twenty and thirty and they're all blonde."

"Don't even go there."

Amanda turned around when she heard Olivia's voice. The tall brunette stood in the squad room doorway and had overheard Fin's last comment. Something dark flickered behind her eyes as she joined the group but she was careful not to make eye contact. She leaned against one of the desks and looked at what Amanda had written down.

"I'm not sending Rollins out into Chelsea in the hope this guy will see her."

Until two days ago she would have taken the chance without even thinking about it. That was until she saw the look in Amanda's eyes when she told her what happened back in Atlanta. She didn't want the blonde experiencing another case where she felt like she could have busted a guy's balls but he got away because he chose a different target.

"You got a better idea?" Nick challenged his partner, clearly irritated that Olivia disagreed with the suggestion of sending Rollins out onto the street as a honey trap.

Amanda stared at the floor. The sound of Olivia's voice had sliced through her soul. She ached inside. She was angry, infuriated. The seconds seemed to pass slowly in which nothing was said. A quiet standoff between Nick and Olivia was that rapidly coming to a head. Amanda heaved a sigh and eventually looked up, her blue eyes unexpectedly piercing into Olivia's.

"There _is_ no better idea, Defective Benson," she said, her voice harsh and full of venom. The sharpness with which she spoke caught the two male detectives by surprise and they stared at her. "You want this guy? Then you'll have to send me out onto the street because frankly, I'm the only chance you've got."

Amanda pushed her hands into the pockets of her slacks and walked out of the squad room, feeling three sets of eyes burn into her back. The sound of footsteps behind her betrayed that someone was following her and she felt Olivia's hand grab hold of her elbow just before she reached the elevator. She spun around, steel blue eyes blazing, and she saw how the anger caught Olivia off guard.

"Amanda, wait."

"No," she bit back. "I should have never opened up to you. I know why you don't want me go out there but let me tell you, something, Olivia; I want to go out there. Because this time I've got a chance of doing it right and not even you can do anything to change that." She shrugged herself free from Olivia's grip. "And as for everything else that happened in Atlanta…" She didn't finish her sentence and Olivia waited with baited breath. Amanda swallowed hard. "You want to pretend it didn't happen but it did. It _did _happen and that's something you will have to learn to live with."

The elevator doors slid open and Amanda stepped inside. She didn't turn around to look back at Olivia and the dark haired woman watched as the doors slowly closed. Her eyes fell shut once Amanda was gone and she looked back over her shoulder towards the squad room where Fin and Nick were watching her, wondering what the hell happened. She straightened her spine and strode back into the squad room.

"Rollins allright?" Nick asked and Olivia nodded.

"Yeah," she lied. "She's fine."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

It had been a long day. Even though she'd punched out just before seven it felt like she had been in the squad room for three solid days. Her head was spinning and her muscles protested as she walked towards the elevator. She was the last one to leave. Nick had promised to take his daughter out to dinner so he'd left just after five. Fin was going to meet Ken and Alejandro and left at six. Amanda had left without saying where she was going but just followed her partner out of the squad room without looking back at Olivia.

Olivia sighed as she stepped into the elevator. It was empty, much to her relief. As the doors slid shut she remembered Amanda storming off earlier that day after the fall out in the squad room. She really didn't want Amanda to put herself out there on the streets to catch this asshole but she knew, deep down, it was one of the best chances they had. Amanda fitted the profile perfectly.

Amanda.

Her eyes fell shut as the images from Georgia flooded back into her mind. She could still taste the sweetness of Amanda's lips on her own. She could still taste the hint of beer and clear feeling of desire. Inside her chest her heart felt like it was breaking. Waking up beside the blonde in the middle of the night and watching her sleep was one of the most beautiful and terrifying things she had ever experienced. Just seeing Amanda lying next to her, her face finally void of the mask she wore every day, she got to see just how beautiful and fragile the younger woman was. And yet she still got out of that bed, got dressed and took the keys to the truck. She sat in the cabin for the remainder of the night and watched the sun come up over the trees, painting the skies in shades of pink, orange and amber.

She'd slept with Amanda Rollins. Nothing she would ever do or say would change that. She couldn't even deny she didn't want it because she did. She had wanted it. She'd wanted it like she had never wanted anything in her life. But when she woke she realised that what she wanted and what she had were two different things. She suddenly thought of Brian, waiting for her at home. A man who was good to her, who cared about her and did his best to make her smile. What she had done betrayed the trust he had in her and the faith she had in herself.

After coming home from Georgia she took a long shower. Brian wasn't home. She then got changed and drove to the precinct. She'd sat in the car park for almost an hour before finally going inside. The second she laid eyes on Amanda and heard her voice, all her defences came back down. Amanda got to her in a way nobody else had managed to; she'd gotten under her skin.

Olivia got out of the elevator in the precinct's lobby, walked out of the front door and to the car park. She got in her car, buckled up and switched on the radio before reversing out. She drove home through New York's rush hour traffic. She drove on autopilot, without really thinking, and when she pulled up outside the apartment building and looked up she saw the lights were on inside. Brian was home.

When she stuck the key in the door and the lock turned, her stomach dropped. She tried to swallow the hard lump in the back of her throat away as she stepped into the apartment. The sound of the TV hit her first, followed by the feeling of Brian wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing her cheek. She turned her head away slightly so his lips handed on her jaw. He didn't seem to notice how her body stiffened in his arms.

"Hey," he whispered into her ear and brushed some of her hair aside. "It's good to have you back."

"Yeah," she answered without making eye contact. She carefully freed himself from his embrace. "I'm sorry, Brian, but I've got a headache and I'm beat. Do you mind if I just grab a shower and go to bed?"

"Sure," he answered, a hint of worry in his voice. "You ok, Liv?"

"It's just… this case," she began as she shrugged herself out of her coat and draped it over the back of the couch. "He attacked another woman and we're nowhere near closer to finding him. Amanda…" It hurt to just speak her name and when she looked at Brian she saw the questioning look on his face. She had a habit of calling her co-workers by their last name. "Rollins… She spotted a common link and wants to set up a honey trap but I don't think it's a good idea and I really just want a good night's sleep and deal with all of this in the morning."

"OK." He kissed her on her forehead. "Want me to get you a drink before you go to bed?"

She shook her head. "I'm good, thanks." She tried to smile. "I'm sorry I'm not better company tonight."

"How was Atlanta?" he asked as he followed her into the direction of the bathroom.

Olivia froze. "Good," she lied without turning around and looking at him. The guilt and the shame weighed too heavy for her to meet his eyes. The mere mention of Atlanta almost tore her apart. She did her best to keep her voice calm. "I think we really got somewhere."

"That's great," Brian answered and let his fingers run through her hair just before she stepped into the bathroom. "Go enjoy your shower and get some sleep."

She closed the bathroom door behind her and rested against it with her back for a couple of seconds before switching on the shower. She slowly stripped off and turned to the mirror. Her fingers ghosted over the red marks across her chest where Amanda's fingernails had scratched her skin a little too hard. Olivia flinched as she followed the marks with her own fingers, remembering how they had ended up there. The warm feeling that spread through her body was overpowering and she turned away from her own reflection and stepped into the shower.

When she got out she slipped into a pair of comfortable pyjamas and softly closed the bedroom door behind her. She pulled back the comforter and climbed into bed. The room was dark. She hadn't bothered to switch on the lights. As she lay down a quiet sob escaped her and then, without warning, the tears came and Olivia Benson cried herself to sleep.

~()~

She woke early the next morning. The room was still dark. She rolled over to check the alarm clock. 5.17 am. She groaned. She had another hour before she was supposed to get up for work but the realisation she'd had a solid night hit her. She didn't feel any better. In fact, she felt worse. Carefully she rolled over to find Brian fast asleep beside her, his back turned towards her. He snored softly. Somehow the sound irritated her.

With a sigh Olivia got up, padded around the room and picked out a clean set of clothes. She got dressed, left the bedroom and scribbled a note in the kitchen that she stuck onto the fridge before picking up her bag and car keys and leaving the apartment. When she stepped out of the building the bitter cold wind took her breath away and she realised the pavement was covered in a fine dusting of snow. Pure white flakes fell from the still dark sky. Winter had arrived in New York City.

She drove to the precinct, parked her car in the almost empty parking lot. It was a quarter past 6 when she reached her desk but as she dropped her bag and threw her coat over the back of her chair she realised she wasn't the only person here. A single light was on at one of the other desk and a quick sweep of the squad room soon told her that Amanda was here too.

Her heart sank when she saw the blonde standing in the coffee corner, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Olivia had just walked in. Olivia watched her as she moved, her eyes lingering on the slight curve of her hip and the way her golden hair stood out against the black blouse she was wearing. Faded jeans clung to her slender frame and Amanda seemed lost in her own little world. It wasn't until she turned around, coffee mug in hand, that her eyes met those of Olivia across the room.

"Hi," Olivia said, suddenly feeling like she'd been caught out. Her cheeks flushed read and he stomach tightened into a knot. She felt sick. Every imaginable emotion welled up inside her. Amanda stood nailed to the ground. "I'm sorry, I didn't realise anyone else would be in this early."

"S'allright," Amanda answered, breaking the eye contact as she walked back to her desk. She set her mug down on the side, switched on her computer and continued to ignore Olivia.

The older woman heaved a sigh. "Listen, Amanda," she began and the blonde looked up briefly. "Can we talk?"

"I got the feelin' you didn't wanna talk."

Olivia ran her fingers through her hair. Desperation kicked in. "I…I don't know what to do."

"Maybe you should have thought about that before we went to Atlanta."

"Yeah, maybe I should have."

Amanda turned her chair so she could look at Olivia. The look in her eyes was cold and distant. Her normally kind features were hard. "I get it, Liv. You made a mistake and now you're wonderin' what you're goin' to do with yourself. It happens. People screw up. Maybe we should just try to move on and forget about it, ok?"

Olivia was taken aback by the younger woman's harshness. "Is that what you want?" she asked.

"What I want?" Amanda retorted. She'd focused on her computer again. "No, it's not about what I want. It's about what _you_ want. I don't think you even once thought about what I want. So yeah, let's leave it at that, shall we?"

Olivia slowly walked over to Amanda's desk. She was careful not to come too close, remembering how jumpy the other woman became if people crossed too far into her personal space. Brown eyes reflected sadness and hurt. She wanted to talk but she didn't know how or what to say. "Amanda, I'm sorry."

"Don't," Amanda warned her, her voice dangerously low. "Just… don't."

"Ok," Olivia whispered and slowly moved back to her own desk.

She sat down, picked up the paperwork she had left the evening before and opened the file. Her eyes drifted back to Amanda every few seconds, unable to focus on anything else. She knew that they couldn't deny what happened between them forever. Hell, she didn't even want to deny it but she didn't know what else to do. She was already in a relationship. How could she even entertain the thought of being with somebody else? With Amanda? Was that even a possibility? Could she even consider the fact that perhaps that was what she really wanted? Change her life and everything she had? Risk everything she had built up to this point, including her career?

Around seven thirty Cragen, Nick and Fin walked in together. None of the men was surprised to find the two female detectives already working but when Amanda looked up, Cragen met her gaze. He then nodded and she smiled before he turned towards Nick and Olivia.

"We're setting up a honey trap for our rapist tomorrow night," he said and Olivia's head whipped up straight away. She looked at Amanda, dark eyes blazing, but the blonde didn't meet her gaze. "Rollins here will go out onto the streets of Chelsea. Homicide and Vice have offered a couple of their female detectives who match the description and they will join our ranks for the evening." Cragen loomed at Nick. "Nick and Liv, you two will shadow Rollins. Fin and I will tail one of the detectives from Vice and Homicide have provided their own protection detail."

"Captain, are you sure this is a good idea?" Olivia asked. Fear settled in her chest at the thought of Amanda wandering the streets with a serial rapist on the loose.

"It's the only idea we've got. Unless we wait for this guy to screw up, this is our best shot and I am not willing to let any more women get hurt." Cragen looked at Olivia. "You're not normally one to turn down a honey trap, if I remember correctly."

She knew he was right. She couldn't count the amount of times she had been part of one herself. She didn't answer and instead looked at Amanda who now reluctantly looked back at her. When their gazes locked it was as if the world seemed to freeze. For a moment in time there was only them without the people or the noise from the squad room. One look that betrayed that everything they had talked about this morning was a lie; wasn't what they had wanted to say. When Olivia averted her eyes and looked back at her desk she knew that this wasn't the end of it.

Cragen disappeared into his office and the four detectives returned to the order of the day. As horrific as it was, there was more than one case on their desks.

Fin and Amanda went out to check up on a witness due to testify in court later that week and once they were gone, Nick leaned across his desk. "Hey, Liv," he said and she looked up. "Is Rollins ok?"

"What do you mean?" she asked, arching an eyebrow.

"She seems a little off."

"The poor girl was sent back to Atlanta, a place she tried really hard to leave behind," Olivia reminded him. She had noticed Amanda seemed quieter than normal. She had barely spoken more than a dozen words to anyone and she had noticed Fin and Amaro sharing the occasional question glance. "She ran into some demons while we were there. I think it hit her harder than she thought it would. But she's good. She'll work through them."

"Safely?" Nick questioned. "'Cause we all know what Rollins does when she gets stressed."

"She doesn't gamble anymore," Olivia said. It sounded sharper than she had intended. She came to Amanda's defence without even realising it and Nick shot her a somewhat surprised look. She tried to scramble a sentence together that didn't make her look like a total idiot and added, "She says she's going to regular meetings. I have no reason to doubt her and you shouldn't either. If she says she's fine then…"

"She's fine," Nick finished her sentence. He shook his head, smirking, and gave Olivia a knowing look. "Sounds like somebody else I know."

Olivia didn't answer. Instead she grabbed her cell phone, scrolled through her contact details and found the name she was looking for. She typed a quick message and put the device back down. Before she even had chance to turn a page of the report she was reading her phone vibrated again. She checked the message and then sloped the phone into her back pocket as she stood up.

"Hey Nick, yoi alright to cover for me?" she asked as she put on her coat.

"Sure. Where're you going?"

She flashed him a smile as she walked out of the squad room. "Early lunch."

~()~

The New York State Supreme Court Building was a well-known feature in the city. Iconic because of its looks as well as of the cases that were handled inside its walls, the building stood on Foley Square in Manhattan it was a New York City landmark.

Olivia knew the building well, having spent a lot of time inside. She climbed the steps to the courthouse building and stepped inside. It was busy. Lawyers were walking in various directions. People of all walks of life gathered here. Some were waiting to see relatives or loved ones in court. Others were here to face those who had done them wrong. Within these walls there was always a mixture of sadness, hope and a desperate desire for justice.

She took the elevator to the third floor and walked down one of the corridors until she reached the courtroom towards the end. The doors had just opened and a small crowd of people flooded out. One of the last people to appear was a woman dressed in a knee length skirt, white blouse and matching black blazer. Her red hair reached down to her shoulders and she looked around the hallway.

"Casey!" Olivia said, drawing the redhead's attention.

"Hey, Liv," Casey said when she reached the detective. Her green eyes narrowed when she noticed the distressed look on the older woman's face. "What's going on?"

"Sorry to bother you in between sessions," Olivia answered. "You got a minute?"

"I got more than one. This was my only arraignment for the day. Rest of my day will be spent writing pre-trial motions," Casey answered. "Now that they've got me working Homicide that seems to be all I ever do. I'm lucky to see a courtroom from the inside twice a month!" She searched the detectives face. "Wanna go for a walk?"

Olivia just nodded and the two women joined a group of people stepping into the elevator. They didn't speak until the left the courthouse. As they were making their way down the steps Casey noticed Olivia walked with her hands in her pockets and her head hung low. It seemed like there was a massive weight resting on her shoulders. It had been a long time since she'd seen Olivia look this broken, the last time being in the first few weeks after Elliot resigned.

They walked along the street for a little while before Casey suggested they'd grab a coffee. They found a small coffee shop three blocks from the court house and took the seat furthest from the door. Casey ordered two cappuccinos and took the cups to the table where Olivia sat. She'd taken off her coat and her brown eyes wandered around the shop. Decorated in Italian style with soft music playing in the background, the walls painted in a deep shade of red with pictures of Tuscany.

"So," Casey said as she slipped into her seat and pushed the coffee towards Olivia. "You said you wanted to talk. What's going on, Olivia?"

Olivia fingered the lid on her cup, taking it off before putting it back on.

"I errr… I made a mistake. Or, I think I did."

"A mistake? Is this about one of your cases? You know I can't help you with them. You're going to have to talk to Barba about that."

"It's not about a case," Olivia answered. Her voice trembled a little. "It's about Brian."

Casey leaned back in her chair. "Cassidy." There as a brief pause. "What did he do this time?"

"It's nothing something he did. It's something I did."

"Something you did?" Casey questioned, feeling a little unnerved. "Liv, what on Earth is going on?"

Olivia's brown eyes finally snapped up. They swam with tears.

"I cheated on him. And the thing is, I don't think I regret it."


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Telling Casey what happened between her and Amanda helped relieve some of the guilt she felt. She talked for almost half an hour without stopping. Casey didn't interrupt her once, allowing Olivia to finish her story. When she reached the point where she mentioned they had returned to New York and had not talked about what happened between them, Casey shifted in her seat. Olivia noticed.

"What?" she asked.

Casey put down her coffee. "I think there are two things you need to think about here," she said slowly and looked at Olivia. The brunette detective had been her friend for many years and although they only saw each other every few months since she'd stopped working for SVU, she still considered Olivia to be one of the closest friends she had. "You need to think about why this happened but, first and foremost, you need to think about how this affects you and Amanda as people."

"What do you mean?" Olivia asked, furrowing her brow.

Casey effortlessly slipped back into her prosecutor role. "Why did you sleep with her?" she deadpanned.

"I…" Olivia's voice trailed off. "I don't know."

"You don't know or you don't want to know?"

"Hey, you can cut the cross examination act!" Olivia said with half a smile and Casey grinned. Olivia looked down into her lap, becoming aware that he cheeks were slowly turning a deeper shade of red. "I don't know why I slept with her."

"Then maybe we need to look at this in another way," Casey said. "Let's look at the evidence, shall we?" She pushed her coffee cup aside and folded her hands on the table. "You've known Amanda for the last three years. She's a woman. As far as I'm aware you've never been with another woman before." She briefly looked at Olivia for confirmation and Olivia shook her head. "So why her? What makes her so special? Is it the accent, the blonde hair?"

Olivia heaved a sigh. "I wish I knew. I just….I just feel so drawn to her, you know."

"So what about Brian?"

"He's a nice guy, honest," Olivia answered. "He's a good man and he makes me feel safe. He's been in my life for so long that it feels like I know him better than anyone else but at the same time I don't really know him at all. Sometimes I think he doesn't know me either." She picked at her fingernails. "Sometimes I look at him, wanting to feel that kind of love everyone always talks about, you know, but I don't. I don't think I have ever felt it. Some days I don't think I ever will with him."

"Would you want to risk all of that to be with Amanda?"

"I don't even know if I want to be with her!"

"Liv, you're going to have to talk to her. You said she doesn't want to but you can't keep going on like this. At some point this is going to blow up and there will be no way to put it back together again," Casey said seriously. "You need to talk to Amanda."

Olivia sighed. "I know."

They spent another hour talking about different things, mainly work, before getting up and leaving the coffee shop. Casey returned to the court house while Olivia got back into her car and drove back across Manhattan to the precinct. She pulled up in the car park and got out at the same time another unmarked sedan pulled up. She watched as Amanda and Fin got out and across the car park their eyes met.

"You go ahead," Amanda said to her partner. "I'll catch up."

"You allright?" Fin wanted to know, looking from Amanda to Olivia and back.

"Yeah," Amanda said quickly. "I'll see you back inside."

Fin disappeared into the building and Olivia slowly walked into Amanda's direction. The blonde didn't move, choosing to lean against the car with her hands in her pocket instead. She never took her eyes off Olivia as she came closer. Her heart thumped in her chest and when the older woman reached her she opened her mouth to speak but Olivia cut her off.

"We need to talk," she said. "I know that's not what you wanted but I think it's best if we do."

Amanda lifted up her chin. "Okay," she answered, her voice trembling. "Tonight."

Olivia's heart skipped a beat. "Sure."

"My place," Amanda added before pushing herself away from the car and starting her way towards the precinct entrance. "You know where it is, right?"

Olivia watched her walk away without answering and the turmoil that she'd felt earlier that day grabbed firm hold of her once again. She couldn't take her eyes off Amanda and continued to stare at the door long after the blonde had disappeared inside. By the time she made it into the building and into the squad room herself, everybody else was already at their desks. Amanda never even looked up when she walked in but Fin did. He shot Olivia a questioning look but she just shrugged and slipped into her seat.

For the remainder of the day Olivia's eyes continued to wander off to Amanda. She watched the way she walked, the way she tapped her foot against the side of the desk while she was on the phone and the way she chewed on the back of her pen. She'd pinned her blonde hair up with the use of a pencil. A few short strands fell down the side of her face. Olivia couldn't help but look. Her eyes were almost glued to the younger woman every time she moved.

They gained no new leads on their serial rapist, much to Olivia's frustration. She wanted to nail this bastard so badly. By the end of the day Cragen walked into the squad room and announced that the next night they would set up the honey trap for the rapist in an attempt to lure him out. As he spoke Amanda's eyes drifted off to Olivia and her heart skipped a beat when she saw the dark eyes staring back at her. When their gazes locked, the world suddenly seemed to drift to the background.

It was just after seven when Amanda picked up her jacket and her bag, swung them over her shoulder and announced she was leaving. Nick and Fin were still sitting at their desk; both were preparing testimonies for court but Olivia stood up and put on her coat. From across the room she felt Amanda's eyes burn into her back.

"I'll see you guys in the morning," she said before following Amanda to the elevator. The blonde held the doors for her.

"You want a ride?" Amanda asked, dangling the car keys from her index finger.

Olivia arched an eyebrow in surprise. "You're driving?"

"Just for once, yes."

The elevator doors opened and the two detectives got out. They reached the car park and Olivia considered driving her own car to Amanda's place but changed her mind when the blonde unlocked the vehicle. She climbed into the passenger seat, dropped her bag in the foot well and tried not to look at Amanda as she got in the car. Now that they were alone, the atmosphere changed and when Amanda stuck the key in the ignition the radio came to live. The jingle of a familiar country station filled the car and Olivia cringed. It was the same radio station they had listened to as they left Atlanta.

They drove home through New York City's rush hour and Olivia was surprised to see Amanda did know a couple of short cuts to get to her apartment whilst avoiding the major traffic gridlocks. They didn't speak. The only sound came from the radio playing country classics, from Dolly Parton and John Denver to Glen Campbell and Reba McEntire. The last notes of Reba's "I'll be" had just faded and the radio host announced a commercial break when Amanda pulled into the car park behind her apartment building.

The two women made their way to the second floor and Olivia stood a couple of steps behind Amanda as she unlocked the door. Amanda then held the door for Olivia to walk in and closed it behind them. She walked straight to the fridge and looked over her shoulder to the older woman standing in the small living room.

"You want a drink?" she offered, grabbing a water bottle from the fridge.

"I'm good, thanks," Olivia declined. Her eyes were fixed of a picture of a little girl standing on a small side table in the corner of the room. One look was enough to tell her it was Amanda around the age of seven or eight, clutching what looked like a shotgun. A beaming smile and a gapped tooth grin, curtsey of her age, looked back at Olivia. The child in the picture looked happy.

Amanda saw her look. "I was eight," she said as she came closer. "My daddy taught me to hunt." Her face hardened. "Only thing he ever really taught me was how to handle a gun. Couple years later he would wish he hadn't."

Olivia turned around. "How come?"

"I aimed it at him when the night he was beatin' my momma," Amanda said, her voice void of emotion. The look in her eyes became cold and distant. "Told him I would blow his balls off if he ever lay another hand on her."

Olivia's heart sank. Amanda's childhood had been nothing but cruel. "What happened after that?"

"Don't know. Never saw him again after that. Last I heard he was livin' it up in Florida." Amanda put her water bottle down and looked at Olivia. "Look, Liv, I know why you're here and I know you said you wanted to talk but I thought we said things were best left the way they were?"

"I know," Olivia said softly, her brown eyes fixing on Amanda. "But I can't do this."

Amanda arched an eyebrow. "Can't do what?"

"I can't pretend nothing happened." Olivia stepped closer to Amanda. "What happened between us…"

"…Can never happen again. I get it, Olivia," Amanda finished her sentence. "It was a one-time thing, an indiscretion." She shrugged. "No lasting harm no foul, right?"

Olivia heaved a sigh. She hadn't come here to tell Amanda that what happened between them could never happen again. She didn't know if she wanted it to. She looked down at her hands. Those hands had done things that night in Atlanta she had never thought she'd be capable off. They had touched another woman, Amanda, in a way she had never even touched herself.

"I've been thinking about it. About what happened, I mean." She averted her eyes, her cheeks flushing red. The memory was fresh and the feelings they gave her were overpowering. "In fact, I haven't stopped thinking about it since we came back. Truth is, Amanda… I don't know how I feel."

Amanda frowned, confused by what the other woman was trying to say. "About all of this?"

"About you."

Olivia looked at the younger woman. The images of their moments together in Georgia were still fresh in her mind and the sudden urge to be closer overwhelmed her. She couldn't deny it, no matter how much she wanted to. She reached out her hand to touch Amanda's cheek but Amanda caught it and held it.

"Don't do this," she said softly. She couldn't bear the thought of Olivia loving her for another moment only to abandon and reject her all over again. She'd rather suffer in silence for as long as it took. "Liv, this isn't a good idea. What about Brian? What about work? What about…everything?"

"I don't know," Olivia whispered as she moved even closer until her body was almost flush against Amanda's. The sweet smell of the younger woman's perfume filled her nose and she carefully let a strand of blonde hair run through her fingers. "I really don't know but I want to find out."

She softly kissed her. A chaste, almost hesitant kiss. The type of kiss that whispered of desire but was too shy to really admit it. A kiss long enough to be remembered, to be tasted, but still gone too soon. Before she could really back away however, Amanda's hand slipped into her hair and pulled her back in for another kiss. More powerful this time. Searing, almost blinding. Amanda's other arm snuck around Olivia's back, softly tugging the hem of her shirt.

Amanda felt Olivia's tongue press against her lips and she slowly opened up and let her in. From the depths of her stomach her emotions overwhelmed her, taking hold. Her heart hammered in her chest and her mind went blank. There was only this moment now. There was nothing else in the world. Not the sound of the traffic outside or rain against her window. Not the guilt and the questions. Everything else was gone.

When they finally broke apart, Olivia rested her head against Amanda's. "I should go," she whispered, her hands not letting go of the other woman's body. Every part of her screamed to hold on, to not leave tonight. "I shouldn't be here."

Amanda's eyes fell shut. She knew this moment would come. Olivia would always leave. "I know."

"I know what this is," Olivia breathed, still unable to move away. "I know what this can become."

"So much for talking, eh?" Amanda said as she carefully took a step back, severing the contact between their bodies. She'd sensed Olivia hadn't been able to do it but someone had to end this. Her blue eyes reflected pain and she swallowed the hard lump in her throat away. "This is both our faults, Liv. This isn't just on you."

Olivia didn't answer. She just turned around and started for the door. She looked back over her shoulder to see Amanda standing in her living room, hands in her pockets, staring at the floor. Guilt, pain and regret were etched across her face and when Olivia closed the apartment door behind her she felt herself slip down into a deep, dark well of emptiness. It hurt to walk away, to leave. When she walked out of the building and looked up at the illuminated window she noticed Amanda had drawn the curtains. A heavy sigh escaped her as she crossed the road and headed in the direction of the nearest subway station.

~()~

It was 2.46 when her cell phone rang. The sound woke her from her sleep and Olivia sat up with a jolt. She grabbed her phone and saw Nick's name flash across the screen. Brian stirred in his sleep but dint wake and Olivia cast him a quick sideways glance before answering the phone. The first thing she noticed was the sound of sirens in the background.

"Nick?" she asked as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes. She struggled to hear her partner's voice. "What's going on?"

"We got him, Liv."

"What?"

"We got him! He attacked another girl but she managed to knock him down. Couple of cops driving by saw them, helped her out. We nailed his ass."

Olivia felt the adrenaline pump through her veins and she kicked the sheets away, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. Her bare feet made contact with the soft carpet. Suddenly she was wide awake. "I'll be there as soon as I can. Text me the address."

"Can you call Rollins? I've tried calling her but her phone keeps going to voicemail."

Olivia paused, having stripped off her shorts and t-shirt and with one leg into her jeans. Nick's slowly sank in. "She's not answering?"

Nick's voice was muffled by the background noise. "I know she's not on call tonight so maybe she's switched her phone off."

"Amanda never switches her phone off. She's probably just asleep," Olivia replied, knowing that the blonde detective was very much like herself in the way that she would never switch off her phone just in case something happened. "Want me to swing by her place and wake her up?"

"We'll see her in the morning. I just thought she'd like to hear it from us, that's all."

"Ok," Olivia answered and zipped up her jeans. She grabbed a sweatshirt that belonged to Brian of the chair in the corner of the room and pulled it over her head. "I'll see you when I get there. Don't let that jackass lawyer up before I've had a go at him."

She hung up and quickly scrolled through her recently dialled numbers before finding Amanda's. She hit 'dial' and the phone rang several times but then connected to Amanda's voicemail. Her heart did a double flip when she heard the woman's Southern accent ask her to leave a message. "Hey Amanda, it's me. I just want you to know that they caught the 911 rapist. Call me when you get this."

Olivia then grabbed her car keys and her purse, scribbled a note for Brian that she stuck on the fridge and left the apartment. The door fell into its lock behind her and as she walked through the corridor she checked her phone to see if Amanda had replied yet. Her screen just showed a picture of her and Brian and she paused for a few seconds, looking at it. She then pushed the phone back into her pocket, left the building and got into her car, switched on the engine and drove off into the New York City night.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Amanda sat in the darkness of her own apartment. Not a single light was on. The only hint of light came from a streetlamp outside; a narrow golden beam cut through a small gap in the curtains across her living room floor. She'd pulled her legs up to her chest with her arms wrapped around her knees, wearing only a pair of shorts and a black tank top. Her blonde hair fell in messy strands down her shoulders and a a cigarette balanced precariously between her fingers. It had been forever since she last smoked but tonight she felt weak.

A soft stumbling sound in the bedroom made her look up. The door was open and a slender figure appeared, dressed in black skinny jeans, a simple white button down shirt and a red leather jacket draped across an arm. Short cropped black spikey hair framed a round face and the silver nose ring was a striking feature.

"I gotta run. I've got an exam in like six hours," the young woman said with a quirky grin. She casually leaned against the kitchen counter. "I had fun though."

"Yeah," Amanda smiled absentmindedly, her body painfully remembering just how much fun they'd had. She brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes as she looked up to her nameless companion. Yet another mistake to add to her list. "Me too."

"Your phone keeps ringing," the girl said as she showed the device to Amanda. She'd picked it up from the bedroom floor as she got dressed. Curious green eyes lingered on the blonde detective. "Who's Olivia? She keeps calling you, left like six voice mails. Is she your girlfriend?"

Amanda shrugged, an empty look in her blue eyes. "She's not my girlfriend…." She paused. "She's nothin'."

"Call me?" the black haired girl said as she walked to the door. She stepped out of the apartment and disappeared. Suddenly there was only silence.

Amanda let herself fall back onto the couch and raised her eyes up to the ceiling. The images from that night were blur. After Olivia left she went out. Found the nearest lesbian bar and ordered a beer, followed by a second and a third. The music was loud and judging from the crowd it was student night. Eyes met across a room, they shared a couple of dances before stumbling out of the bar in a mess of tangled lips. Names were never exchanged. It wasn't about the names. It was about the sex, that was all it was. Meaningless, no questions asked. Easy to forget everything else for as long as it lasted, easy to drown in something that could take the pain away long enough for Amanda to pretend nothing ever happened between her and Olivia.

With a sigh she stood up and picked up the phone the girl had left in the kitchen. She checked her call list and saw two missed calls from Nick, nine from Olivia and seven voicemails. Amanda heaved a sigh as she pressed the button to listen to her messages and tears welled up in her eyes when she heard Olivia's voice. When she heard the older woman say that the 911 rapist had been captured and was on his way to the station, she hung up. The strangling feeling in her chest only grew tighter and she put the phone down on the side, walked into her bedroom and slammed the door behind her.

~()~

Olivia arrived at the precinct at the same time a convoy of squad cars did. One of them had their perp in the back and she joined the uniformed officers as they dragged him out, his hands cuffed behind his back. For the first time Olivia got to have a look at his face and she made sure to remember it. This was the man who had tormented her from a distance for years, got under her skin in a way not many perps had done before. She wanted to look him in the eye and see him look back at her. His gaze found hers as the officers brought him into the building and Olivia felt sick to her stomach when he grinned.

When she walked into the squad room she found Nick at his desk. Fin stood by the coffee pot and her eyes scanned the room looking for Amanda. Her heart sank when she didn't see the blonde detective.

"Where's Rollins?" she asked. "I would have thought she wanted to see this."

"Did you call her?" Nick asked.

"Yeah," Olivia answered, a hint of irritation lacing her voice. An unnerving feeling crept up on her as her gaze fixed on Amanda's empty desk. It looked haunting. She didn't understand what Amanda hadn't answered the phone. "I called several times. Left voice mails. She hasn't returned any of my calls."

Nick leaned back in his chair, his hands behind his head. His dark eyes were fixed on his partner. He had noticed the relationship between Amanda and Olivia had changed since they returned from Atlanta. Both women seemed to be sharper and more on edge than before they left but he'd put it down to the case getting to them. Now that he watched the concern spread across Olivia's face as she looked at the empty desk, he wasn't so sure.

"What happened between you and Rollins?" he asked once Fin was out of hearing range. Olivia shot him a dark look. "Just calling it like I see it. Something's up."

"Even if there was, it's none of your business," Olivia reminded him and grabbed the file of her desk. She turned her back on Amanda's empty seat and forced the thoughts of the blonde detective out of her head. She had a job to do and she couldn't let own emotions cloud her judgment. She looked back at Nick, the concern gone from her face and her brown eyes dark and filled with anger. "You ready to nail this guy's balls?"

~()~

Five hours. Five painstaking hours in which she listened to every disgusting detail he was willing to share with her. He walked her through every rape, describing the way his victim's cries smothered in the back of their throat to the taste of their tears and the smell of their fear. He described in gruesome detail how he raped them, leaving nothing to her imagination. The fire in his eyes ignited as he talked, his voice the only sound in the room. They were the eyes of a monster, a sadist who got off on reliving every memory all over again. Whenever he paused she could feel and hear the heavy pounding of her heart in her ears. The taste of the bile in the back of her throat grew stronger the longer she looked at him. His was a face Olivia Benson wouldn't forget for the rest of her life.

When she slammed the door to the interrogation room behind her, Olivia rested her back against the two way window and ran her hands through her hair. She felt sick. She felt disgusted. She felt like she needed to shower for a week and it still wouldn't be enough to wash the dirt from her skin. Tired brown eyes met Nick's. He looked the same.

"He's going away for a very long time, Liv," he promised her. "And his cellmates are going to love him up in Rikers."

Olivia sighed. "He enjoyed every second of that interrogation. He wanted us to squirm, to feel sickened by everything he told us."

"He's sick," Nick answered. "But we've caught him now." He patted his partner on her arm. "You can finally close that case file now."

Olivia heaved a sigh as she shot a last glance through the window behind her. James Patrick Lambert. The 911 rapist now had a face and a name. A man in his late thirties with dirty blonde hair and steel blue eyes that reminded her off the eyes you saw in a doll. They were empty unless he spoke of his crimes. It seemed that the memory of what he had done was the only thing that made him feel alive.

She looked back at Nick. "I can close this one," she said as she slowly walked away. "But there will always be others."

When Olivia walked back into the squad room the first thing she noticed was Amanda's empty desk. It hadn't changed from earlier and she turned to find Fin walking out of Cragen's office. He met her gaze.

"Where's your partner?" she asked.

He shrugged. "Don't know. Called her a couple of times but got her voicemail. Cragen's asked me to check in on her."

Olivia grabbed her coat of the back of her chair. "Mind if I come with?"

The two of them left the squad room and stepped into the elevator. Once the doors had slid shut Fin turned to look at the older detective. He had known Olivia for more than ten years and he considered her one of his closest friends but Amanda was his partner. It didn't matter if he had known Olivia longer, the relationship between partners was strong.

"What's goin' on?" he wanted to know.

Olivia rolled her eyes in irritation. "What is it with all of you? Why does everyone think something's going on?"

"Look, somethin' happened while you two were gone. Rollins hasn't been herself since she came back and frankly, neither have you."

"Excuse me?" Olivia asked, arching her eyebrows in surprise as she turned to look at Fin. "Since when do you have the right to stick your nose in my business?"

"If it involves Amanda it _is_ my business," Fin replied. "What happened?"

The elevator doors opened and they had reached the precinct lobby. Olivia hesitated before stepping out and turned to look at Fin. "Believe me when I say you really don't want to know, Fin. I don't want to put you into a difficult position."

"Amanda didn't turn up for work and doesn't answer her calls. I think it's safe to say things are already pretty difficult."

Olivia didn't answer and instead just walked out of the precinct. Fin followed and they got into his car. He resisted asking any more questions but Olivia's facial expressions told him there was a lot more that the brunette wasn't telling him. Ever since her ordeal with Lewis, Olivia had changed. He couldn't blame her. Nobody would be the same after what she went through. But it seemed that what happened to her had a knock-on effect on all of them. It had spiralled all of them out of control in one way or another. The fact that Lewis had managed to get to Olivia had left them all feeling their own vulnerability. It was a frightening realisation for everyone and not everybody coped with it very well.

Twenty-five minutes later they pulled up outside Amanda's building. Fin got out of the car and checked the parking lot. "Her truck's gone."

"Amanda, where the hell are you?" Olivia sighed as they walked into the building and asked the super for the spare key. He seemed a little surprised to see the two detectives but obliged without question.

"I don't know what you've come here for. You're not going to find her in her apartment," he said as he followed the two detectives to Amanda's apartment and Olivia turned around.

"Why's that?" she asked.

"I helped her load her stuff into her truck earlier this morning. Looked like she was going on vacation," the super answered as he unlocked the door. "She's a cop, right? Is she in any kind of trouble?"

"No, no trouble," Fin answered as he carefully pushed the door open and revealed Amanda's apartment. Ir was abandoned. The furniture was all neatly arranged and the windows had been opened to let in the fresh air. The silence was strangely eerie. "Did you say you saw her leave this morning?"

The super nodded. "Yeah. She paid next month's rent and told me to cancel the lease after that. When I asked what to do with her stuff she said I could put it in storage or give it away to charity." He looked from Fin to Amanda. "She didn't look like she was gonna come back anytime soon."

Olivia walked through Amanda's apartment. She had only been here last night but it felt different now. She could feel the emptiness. She crossed the room and opened the door to the bedroom. The bed was neatly made with the comforter pulled straight and the pillows plumped up. The window was open in this room too. The door to the bathroom was slightly ajar. Any toiletries, toothbrushes and other bits and pieces were gone. Her breath hitched as she hesitantly opened the wardrobe to find it empty. The chest of drawers and the bedside table were the same. The place had been cleared out.

"She left," Olivia said softly as she walked back unto the living room and found Fin standing in the kitchen. The super had disappeared and the spare key lay on the counter. "She packed her bags and walked out."

Fin pointed at a piece of paper stuck onto the middle of the fridge, held in place by a magnet shaped like an apple with the bright red letters NYC on it.

"She used to keep her times for meetings on here. She said she would look at it every morning before going to work, just in case," he said as he picked the folded pieces of paper of the fridge. He showed it to Olivia. Her name was written in small capitals on the light blue paper. "Now there's only this."

Olivia's hands trembled as she took the piece of paper from Fin and slowly unfolded it. She recognised Amanda's handwriting immediately and her eyes scanned the couple of lines that had been written down. With a shock she realised they were the lyrics they had heard on the radio back in Georgia and she bit down on her lip.

"…_.My heart can't take the beating, not having you to hold. A small voice keeps repeating deep inside my soul, it says I can't keep pretending I don't love you anymore…."_

Unexpected tears welled up in Olivia's eyes as she looked around the abandoned apartment one last time. She then looked at Fin who was looking back at her. Without asking she knew he knew. He just nodded, his eyes never letting go of hers. Her hands still shook as she gave him the piece of paper. When he read the lines scribbled down in Amanda's handwriting the final pieces fell into place.

"I didn't handle it very well," Olivia admitted when Fin looked up. He didn't judge her.

"Where do you think she could have gone?" he asked.

Olivia pointed at the piece of paper. "The one place where she heard that song, the place where all of this began," she answered and brushed a stray tear out of the corner of her eye. "Atlanta. She's gone home."


End file.
